So you know how your problems really suck? And how all you really want to do is run away from them as fast as you can and as far as you can get? And that just makes you disgusted with yourself because you’re acting like such a whiny little bitch?

It’s okay to run away from your problems. No wait. Actually, that’s bullshit. It’s not okay to run away from your problems. But, it is going to happen anyway so you might as well own up to the fact that you’re doing it.

There’s a reason why facing your fears sucks so much. It’s because you’re literally, turning to face, meaning look at, the the things that disgust and terrify you the most in the world. And at first, you’re just not going to do it. Like, you’re going to find every single fucking reason in the world, not to do it.

You’ll mess around in other people’s lives. You’ll join every organization you can. You’ll get really angry about arbitrary things and rant about how their the source of everyone’s woes. You’ll think about how awful the world is. And finally, maybe, you’ll get around to realizing that all you have been doing is running around, avoiding looking at the things that really freak you out or piss you off.

At the end though, your running away will not change a thing. Because in life, if you run in a straight line, you just complete a lap and end up back where you started. Your problems don’t go anywhere unless you choose to deal with them, and running away, though at times a lot of fun, doesn’t actually solve anything.

So you can take off if you want to. Keep running in those circles, learning as you go yet not really making much progress with the whole depression part. Or you can stop, deal with the shit in your way, and then get access to a few new paths. Break out of those well-defined grooves and tracks that you’ve been running on, and start off in a new direction.

So you know how no matter how many times you seem to whack off the limbs your depression, it just keeps growing back? Like your misery is some sort of starfish on metaphorical steroids? Or an infection that resists all efforts to cure it?

It is important to deal with your day to day misery and find ways to push back on the blah. It is also important to all the while, search for the underlying causes of your misery and upon identifying them, determine ways to handle them as well.

Because depression tends to have root causes. Often there are obvious external contributing factors, like death, poverty, disease. But then there are the cases that so often don’t make any sense. People who are well-fed, well-loved, well-taken care of, and yet still so utterly miserable.

Thing is, misery doesn’t come from nowhere. So typically in those cases, an individual has internalized damage from past external stresses. Maybe you’re well-fed now, but grew up without any food and can’t forget that fear of hunger. Maybe you’re loved now, but there were times when people close to you hurt you and never apologized or took responsibility.

You may not know or remember the reason why you’re so damaged. Still, there is one, and if you can find it, and address it, then you increase the likelihood that you can consistently treat that misery disease of yours.

So find a root solution to your depression. Determine what originally caused the fear and mistrust that persist in your heart, and seek out ways to alleviate that pain. If you don’t know how, that’s okay. There are plenty of other miserable or formerly miserable people in the world who can tell you their gory stories. String together a couple of their narratives to find one that fits you, and you’re good to go.

So you know how you’re an awful, useless person? And you don’t deserve anything you get? And yet sometimes cool shit happens to you, and that’s really unfair because you suck and there are a lot of other people who don’t?

Then again, there are a lot of people who suck more than you, and yet even more cool shit happens to them. So what about all that?

While karma is fun in concept, if it is real, it sure takes a long time to work. Because there are plenty of people in the world who do really fucked up shit, and still get rewarded. Maybe they do get fucked up in a “later life”, but if the current you is not around to observe it, then cosmic justice doesn’t really mean squat.

And it is just as frustrating, and sad, that there are so many people who do awesome things and are not rewarded for their efforts. Whether someone does “good” or “bad” things seems to have no impact on whether or not “good” or “bad” things happen to them, which is a terrifying realization.

Still, our actions do matter. Even if you can not make the entire world a more just place,  you can be just in how you interact with others. You can reward those who you think deserve to be rewarded, and you can deny rewards to those you think have acted inappropriately. If you are rewarded for things that you do not believe you deserve, then you can pass those rewards on to other people who you do think deserve it. And at the same time, you can recognize that sometimes you have done enough to justify some good things happening to you.

So good things happen to bad people. Too bad. And bad things happen to good people. Sucks. You get to decide what good things you do for others. You don’t get to decide what good things happen to you. Accept them, or transfer them, it’s up to you.

So you know how sometimes you’ve fallen lower than your lowest low? Like, to the point where the distance between the bottom of your misery pit and the peak of your crowning moments is several light years long? Yeah outer space.

You’re lucky! You have the opportunity to 1) reset your base zero, 2) reset your starting point, and best of all, 3) rationalize like no fucking other.

Rationalizing is an art. It’s taking a shitty situation, and trying to find a way to explain it or reframe it, and therefore minimize its negative impact. Yeah sometimes you look stupid when you do it, but hey- if it works, then who gives a fuck?

And a fun way to rationalize at those truly, terribly, awful moments, is to think about the fact that you could have done things that are even worse. Hurt someone? You could have done that, and simultaneously genocided an entire ethnic group through a nuclear holocaust. Fucked up your relationships? At least you didn’t use psychic powers to erase those people from existence.

In addition to whatever you’re doing wrong, you could always be doing even more wrong things on top of that, so take some credit for the fact that there’s always more you could be doing worse. That being said, there’s a difference between rationalization to feel better, and rationalizing to avoid responsibility. Your rationalizations may help you feel less like shit. Still, they won’t be of much solace to other people who would much rather you owned up to your fuck ups. If you want to share your rationalizations with them, go right ahead, just don’t expect them to be too impressed.

So things can really get worse. There’s always something even more awful that you could be doing in addition to whatever it is that you are doing. Putting all this shit in perspective makes it more possible to recognize that there’s room for improvement, just as there is room for dis-improvement. And hopefully, it will help you realize that there are things you are doing right, even if you don’t realize it all the time.

So you know how people are all like “I’m here if you need me.” Or, “just let me know how I can help.” Or the old diddy, “I’ll always be there for you.” Yeah, what the fuck is that shit?

Because so many times people just say all that since they know it’s the “right” thing to say. And then the second you actually reveal to them the ugly blah muck of your depression, they hightail it the fuck away from you by making some shitty excuse or picking a fight over some idiotic pretense.

And then their whole supportive shtick actually hurts you. Because you may have even thought that you could count on them. You may have thought they were actually someone who you could rely on, and who would accept you despite your depression, misery, ugly parts etc. Their abandoning you just fulfills that your fear that if people see your “true self” a.k.a. see your depression, they will never care about you and you will be left by yourself. And that  would really suck because only having your depressed self for company would be pretty fucking dull.

If you’re afraid of being alone because of people not wanting to deal with your depression, don’t be. Because you’d be all alone even if your mental health was tops and you were the metaphorical coolest kid on the block. Everyone is alone inside their own head. Sure they may have the “voices” of people who they’ve met and interacted with – which can be positive and / or negative depending – but ultimately, it’s all you up there in that noggin.

Which is why although it is important to find people you actually can trust, it’s also just as important to learn how to trust yourself. To learn how not to treat yourself like shit. And of course, this is pretty difficult without some external reinforcement, so you may need to string together some of those unreliable assholes to make a coalition of support. Still, it won’t matter how many people have your back unless you internalize that reliability and find a way to be a friend to yourself.

So you are always going to be alone in some sense. And that is actually okay. It’s just how it is. The goal is not to avoid being alone, since you can’t escape the facts. Rather, it is to find a way of being okay with the you inside your head. Will that mean you need to find people outside who will help you grow the healthy internal you? Yeah. Will you run into some unreliable shits along the way? Yeah. Is it worth it for you to keep going? It is if you want your brain roommate to be a pal rather than the jerk who eats the food you leave labeled in the fridge.

So you know how sometimes you’ve tried all the things, and still ended up right back at the starting line? And you’re trying to win your little life race, but it seems like the course is all uphill, and so frozen over that you just keep on sliding down to the bottom? And how even when you finally manage to make some progress, you look around and realize that you’ve just been running in circles?

Thing is, running in circles is pretty helpful when you’re racing on a track. If you end up back where you started, good job, you’ve got another lap under your belt. Was that lap so different from the one before it? Probably not. Do you feel like you’ve made a ton of progress in completing it? That’s hard to say.

What you can say is that every time you run a lap, your count goes up. You use more energy, you get more tired, and you also learn more, and get stronger. You get a better feel for the circuit, and can even find places where the path diverges.

Running in circles is just how life works.  Go somewhere and return. Wake up and go to sleep. Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall. Or something. Routines are a series of cycles. And sometimes that’s comforting. Because you know what comes next. And sometimes that’s damaging. Because your cycles involve self-destructive patterns of behavior. And sometimes, it’s just plain fucking boring.

Circles are great and all. Still, sometimes you want new circles or different circles. You want to break out of one track, and start running on another. That’s cool. Whether you run laps on one track or another, you’re still racking up the count, and growing all the while.

So complete those circuits, and circle up as many times as you like. Running in circles does not mean that you’re not making progress. As you finish each lap, you get a clearer perspective on the course. And if you want to change the course, well okay. Find a new circle, and keep going.

So you know how you do your best to fit in the spaces left between other people? How you don’t want to define yourself through stupid labels? Or how you want to be able to respond to those around you and not be one of those rigid assholes always trying to have everything their way? Basically, you know how you’ve sacrificed having an identity for the convenience of being flexible?

Sounds good. Keep going with that. But don’t be surprised when it fucking sucks.

Because being adaptable is a very useful skill, and yet, if you refuse to define yourself, you’ll be left confused and unfulfilled. Bending over backwards wears on the body, and you get worn out constantly molding yourself to fit other people’s needs without caring about your own.

If you’re alive, a certain amount of selfishness is a guarantee. You’ve gotta take care of feeding yourself, sheltering yourself, and sleeping yourself among other things. And beyond the basics, there’s getting yourself some sense of safety, respect, and possibly, just maybe, some affection. You may wish that you could be a completely selfless person all the time. Or that you could martyr yourself away until there’s no you left, only an amazing human accessory bent on fulfilling the needs of others. Still, these facts can not be flexed out of.

Never fear. You don’t need to give up that adaptability of yours. And it doesn’t make you weak or dumb to be accommodating. It’s a valuable skill to be able to adapt and reform yourself to fit your circumstances, and it’s one worth keeping. It’s also worth having the capability to be firm. In addition to being able to readily conform, you can also have the ability to resist when you see fit. That way you can push back on harmful influences, or let them into yourself, and then cast them away later.

So feel free to flex up to a point. And when you reach that place where you want to push back, that’s okay as well. Defining yourself does not mean giving up your flexibility. It means being able to harden and soften at will, and decide for yourself when to adapt to what’s around you and when to make what’s around you adapt.

So you know how you’ve taken the right steps to manage your depression, and just when things are starting to move forward, you fuck it all up by reverting to your old shitty habits? So in the end, you’re back where you started, or better yet, you’re even farther behind?

When you feel like you’re falling back into negative routines and the depression is creeping into your life once more, you probably are and it probably is. No worries though. Because whether you’re going forward or backward is irrelevant. It’s about where you set the starting line.

Now when you’re trying to climb out of your misery pit, you want to make sure that you set your base zero at your lowest low. Similarly, when you’re running your misery race, you want to make sure that whenever you’re depression clouds your mind, turns you around, and sends you back the way you came, you reset the starting point.

“Isn’t that cheating? How can you make progress if you reset the starting point every time you mess up?” Well fuck, when did you become so conscientious? Jokes. You’re right, it is bullshit. Then again, the point isn’t about where you started from, it’s about where you’re trying to get to, as in typically, the land of not-being-so-damn-miserable. Certainly you want to pay attention to the progress you make towards that goal. Still, if you go a different direction for a while, that doesn’t mean you went backwards, it just means you’re taking the scenic route.

And sometimes you’re not going to be heading towards recovery. Sometimes an obstacle will get in your way, and you’ll have to weave in weird ways to find yourself back on track. You may have to go the “wrong” direction, before you can go the “right” direction. Those quotes pointing out the fact that wrong and right are not really valid markers in this case. Because as long as you know where you’re heading, every step you make is towards that goal.

So if you’re walking backwards and feel like your destination is getting even more out of reach, just turn around and start going in a new direction. If you get caught up on whether you’re taking the “best” route, then you’ll get mired in your swamps of self-doubt. There isn’t one path to “better,” so when you’ve gotten turned around, reset your heading and head out.

So you know how not everyone can win a raffle? And so even when you do manage to win that pie at the county fair, it just means that millions of more deserving people out there won’t get to enjoy all that delicious cherry filling? And you don’t really deserve to have that pie because you don’t even appreciate it. Especially, since the only thing you can think of while eating the pie is how much you don’t deserve the pie, instead of feeling grateful for how awesome it is that you get to eat that pie.

That’s some meta shit right there. Anyway, spoiler alert: life is not fair. However, life is like a fair. In that there’s lots of random cool shit to do, but you won’t enjoy any of it if you’re depressed.

Sometimes things are going to happen to you that you don’t think you deserve to have happen to you. These things may be bad, like a small army of remote nanobots invading your bloodstream and detonating inside your skull. These things may be good, like a small army of remote nanobots invading your bloodsteam and then not detonating inside your skull. Still, life is not just about what you deserve, it is about the goals you set for yourself and what resources will help you meet them.

If your goal is just to survive, and you have access to food, water, and shelter: YOU WIN.  If your goal is to be the coolest person on earth, and you died by freezing to death at the bottom of the antarctic ocean: GAME OVER. But you still win. Some people have access to more resources than others, and that gives them a head start when trying to achieve their goals. And so they don’t need to work as hard to achieve the same goal as a person with less resources. However, this does not mean that they should not get to feel good about the work they do accomplish and the goals they do achieve.

This means that you can use the resources at your disposal without feeling guilt, or that you don’t deserve them. This applies to people in the past as well as the present. Just because you can use computers while Hemingway could not, that does not mean you should not feel proud of that Great American Novel you’ve been typing up. And just because you can buy paint at the local grocery store while Picasso had to give up food to afford his, that does not mean you should tear up that masterpiece of yours. Yes you may have privileges and talents that other people were not born with, and yes it is unfair that you can use them to surpass other people who may share your goals. Still, giving up on opportunities does not mean that other people are guaranteed them. And denying yourself fulfillment does not fulfill others.

So yes is unfair that you get a head start on the path to success, or that you are lucky, or this or that. Still, if it bothers you, use those resources to fulfill the goal of guaranteeing other people resources. Instead of feeling like you don’t deserve that cherry pie, eat it gratefully and know all the while that someday you will use your resources to host your own raffle where everyone wins and gets to take home their own pie of whatever flavor they want.