So you know how everything and everyone dies?

The end.

Jokes. Though that really is kind of the gist of existence isn’t it? No matter how awesome you are, or whether you’re the best tree of all the trees, or even if you’re a wonderous star burning bright in the sky, you will die.

And that fucking sucks.

But it’s okay. Because in the meantime you are not dead. You’re just in an incredible amount of pain! And sometimes that will make you wish you were dead. But wait, even if you died there’s no guarantee there wouldn’t be even more pain! So you’re fucked.

You’re just so fucking fucked.

You can build an empire. You can build a universe even. Yet everything you make will someday be destroyed. And so what gives anything meaning? Purpose?

If you’re a star or a universe, you’re out of luck because this blog is written largely for people. The aliens are listening in no doubt. As well as a couple of viruses, bacteria, and fungi, but really humanity or at leasts human hosts are the target audience.

And to humanity the answer is often humanity. Because connections with people may appear to weaken or darken, but they never disappear. And somewhere out there in the world there is always someone who can understand part of you if not all of you. And just knowing that is a comfort. Just knowing that is a saving grace.

And to humanity the answer is often not humanity. Because sometimes people are so disgusting and awful that you need to shut them out completely. And then you can really only listen to the rest of existence. And remember that even when humans are gone, there are still trees, stars, universes. Existence is a warm embrace. It is the constant knowledge that there is more than void.

So give up on life. Don’t give up on life. That’s all bullshit anyway. Right now you exist. And everything else exists too. And taking a moment to remember that… is very powerful indeed.

Oh right. And love. That’s kind of important too. But much more controversial.

So you know how there’s kind of a global perspective on depression? And sometimes it’s full of shitty simplifications like depressives are lazy, dumb, and exceptionally good looking? That last one might be wishful thinking.

Fuck the world. What does it fucking know anyway? All the science? Some tai chi? How to make a ceramic bowl? Yeah well, none of that matters as much when you’re depressed since the top priority is typically figuring out your depression which, happily, you are the expert on. Or gloomily as the case may be.

If you are trying to figure out how to cope with your life, and manage your mind, that’s really quite enough without letting in the world’s bullshit. Other people’s perspectives on what’s wrong can certainly be useful. Or they can certainly be incredibly, annoyingly not useful. Still, the perspective that matters is yours.

And depression can be convenient in that facilitates personal growth. When you are miserable and can only see the things about you that suck, that means you have an excellent opportunity to work on that shit and make it suck slightly less. Then you can become more awesome which will be better for you, and convince those judgmental assholes that depression makes you way cool. And good looking.

It really shouldn’t be about other people though. Because your life is about you. And your growth and your happiness or lack thereof should also be about you. And when people insert themselves into your head with their criticism and their unsought advice, they do you no favors and you can call them out on that.

So go ahead and block out the world. Take the time you need to examine yourself and your issues without everybody else getting up in your shit. And someday when you’ve got your head figured out, maybe you can choose to let some people back in. It’s your space. Figure out how you want to rent it out.

So you know how people spend all this time getting things and stuff? And yet at the end of the day they can’t enjoy any of it because they spend all their time getting more of it? And if you’re one of those people, it’s even worse because your depression makes it so that all those things don’t really mean that much to you anyway?

And that’s not all! Because having more things and such is a great way to grow fear, and fear is the tastiest fodder for depression. Om nom nom.

Accumulation is funny like that. The more things you get, the more you have to take care of, and the more you have to worry about what would happen if it was taken from you. You get addicted to your things, and afraid of losing them. Which isn’t to say you should go all Fight Club and start a nihilist revolution, as fun as it might be. Rather, finding a way to recognize what you need versus what you want will help ease that anxiety.

You need: food, water, shelter. You also kind of need: other people, sex, some modern conveniences, sex, mementos, sex, and information about stuff. Jokes. Sex is cool and all, but that amount probably goes on the “want” list. Also on that list: all the other bullshit you have.

Now, this is not to say that you should give up all your things and go live in the wilderness, though that sounds pretty interesting. The point is more that knowing what you need means that you can limit your fear of loss. If you lose the things you want, but don’t need, or if someone takes them from you, that’ll really suck. Still, you’ll be alive and can work to get it back. And reducing that fear is important to keeping your depression in check.

So go on and keep your shit. Just recognize that having more comes with with a weight that you may or may not want to carry. It comes with responsibility, and beyond that, it comes with anxiety. Find ways to mitigate that fear and you decrease the downside to the capitalist consumer culture that we all know, love, and live.

So you know how sometimes non-depressed people make you want to purchase a big foam bat and smack people lightly on the head in anger? No? Too non-violent? Well, regardless, whether you want to pinch someone or crush them, just ask yourself how you can best spread that hatred around.

Non-depressed people are really annoying when it comes to figuring out depression. They want to cheer you up. Or write you off. Or convince you that you don’t make sense. And none of these things are helpful. And often they only serve to make you feel more misunderstood and isolated.

Oh god. And the worst is when they come at you with that “you’re being over-sensitive” bullshit. Fuck. That. That’s just code for “I don’t understand why you’re upset, but I don’t really want to, and I don’t really care, so I’m just going to blame you for your own problems since that way I don’t have to make any effort to help.”

And maybe if someone took a few minutes to actually sit down, listen, and make an effort to understand your perspective, they’d find that you make a decent amount of sense. Maybe then they’d realize how overwhelming your depression is and that you’re doing your best to cope, but really need some space to fuck up, and some support when you do. Often people don’t make the effort. And so they don’t get it. Then again, that just makes the few that do all the more respectable.

Still, interacting with people who are not depressed is generally pretty useful. Because at the end of the day, they are less miserable and that’s rather curious. How do they do that? How do they not see all the fucked up shit in the world? Or if they do, how do they just go about their lives anyway? Do they need to block other people out? Can you be non-depressed without being a narcissistic, self-absorbed little fuck? These are the questions that you can try to answer through observing the non-depressed people.

So go ahead and hate on the world. It sure hates you. Most people make no effort to figure out what’s going on and help you out even though they do take the time to judge you and make you feel like shit. Still, there may be something to learn from all those happy jerks out there. And you might not want to waste too much effort beating them with foam bats. It is satisfying to be sure, but makes for tired arms.

This post is dedicated to my tallest fan. Here’s to you my ever-growing friend. Someday you’ll reach your dreams. Or you won’t. It’ll work out either way.

So you know how feelings are kind of the stupidest thing ever? Like disgusting little parasites crawling all over your awesome, rational logic board of a brain and sucking up your processing power? And all they do is make you feel silly and dumb? Yet you can’t seem to convince yourself to give them up. In fact part of you wants to plant them in the ground and watch them grow into feelings trees and bear lots of feelings fruits?

Metaphors… They get away from you. Emotions are stupid. But that’s really besides the point. Because emotions exist, and as much as they suck, they have power over you so you’d better figure out how the fuck to deal with them.

Especially anger. Anger is the wound that festers and gets infected. It might heal on its own. But that would require you to stop picking off the scabs, and given your penchant for inflicting pain on yourself, that’s just not going to happen. And actually it doesn’t need to. It’s okay if you want to keep the pain going, because it’s useful. It helps you control yourself, it gives you charismatic capabilities, it accentuates the high-lows, and it just makes everything so goddamned interesting.

Anger can be sexy. So brood on. Still, you know what isn’t sexy? Whiny, seething, resentment. When your anger shifts from being your power source to being a drain, you need to find a way to fix it. What does fixing it mean? Figure it the fuck out. Everyone has got their own methods. It’s probably best to avoid those that involve taking it out on other people since that just results in spirals of guilt and self-loathing, which is not so sexy. That being said, you come first. Always. If you find a productive means of dealing with your problems, then drink it dry.

And then there’s… affection. That most powerful and most irritating of all the emotions because once it starts growing it overtakes everything with its syrupy sweet bullshit. Fuck affection. It’s fucking annoying. It makes it so hard for you to just go about your business of being awesome all by yourself. Still, like anger, it doesn’t go anywhere unless you find a way to deal with it. And in the meantime it’s a powerful distraction. You need to deal with the affection. Whether that means investing in it, or continuously pruning it, something must be done.

So you get to be pissed about having feelings. They suck. And they should really just go fuck themselves. Still, they exist. Figure out what to do about it.

So you know how that whole “moderation” thing doesn’t really catch your fancy? And what you love is the sickeningly sweet roller coaster ride of the highest highs and lowest lows? And if you find yourself trending too far in one direction, or even worse, toward the center, you need to shoot off in a new direction?

It can be so dull and “normal” to be a consistent, responsible human being. The highs and lows of depression are addicting in their own way, just like gambling, drugs, and let’s not forget the biggest bitch of them all, sweet treats. Fuck sugar is way more delicious than the finest cut of any other white powder.

And the extremes don’t stop with your behavior. You can’t just like something, you need to saturate yourself with it down to your bones. You can’t just dislike something, you need to feel that firey rage inside against it. If someone praises you, you need to beat yourself down. If someone tries to crush you, you need to topple them.

There is no center, just the frenetic richer scale of your mind’s spastic rises and falls. The fun goes on, but so does the pain. Because even when you’re on the top of the cycle, you are  on a well-defined track and you’ll be heading down soon enough.  Oh yes the fun goes on. Still, eventually the ride is bound to give you vertigo, and then motion sickness, and then you even if you want to get off, everything will be spinning too fast for you to figure out how.

Stay on the ride as long as you want though. Some people want to die an extreme death, and if that’s for you, keep going for it. On the other hand, if you’ve come to realize that the reason you’re still swinging up and down is because you can no longer figure out how to stop, consider seeking out ways of re-finding your center. Balance. That fucking word that hippies and gurus are always going on about. It turns out it is important after all.

So bounce between your extremes. It’s fun. And know that when you want to stop, you’ll need to get your bearings, regain your balance, and hop off the ride.

So you know how perfection is disgusting? Like when you see one of those special people walking around, you just want to trip them into a pile of mud? And yet there’s some part of you that desperately wants to fix every single one of your flaws and become the dream human being that you’ve always wanted to be?

Since you’ve got depression critical-thinking powers, you know that everybody does have flaws. If you see a “perfect” person, you can just hone in on those tiny little imperfections. Those freckles, moles, irritating laughs, high-pitched voices, rage issues, infidelities, appetites, and other small sins. Then you don’t have to feel inadequate by comparison.

Oh wait. Except that you still do. Even after you’ve seen every single blemish of those “perfect” people, you still see yourself as coming up short. They are just so much “better” than you. Question is: better at what? Singing? Sciencing? Sexing? All of the above?

Then again, you’ve probably got one or two aces up your sleeve. Maybe you can sit on a couch for hours on end, while they get bored at around 2? Or maybe you’re so so so good at saying the wrong thing, to the point where you can get people to fuck you up? These are special skills that you, as a depressive, may be particularly well-versed in.

And that probably doesn’t do it for you. You’d probably rather have different skills that you were good at, and different flaws that are less obvious or obnoxious. Really who wouldn’t? Everyone is inadequate in some way. Everyone is lacking. Everyone is “imperfect.” And yet because everyone has so many flaws- because everyone is so damaged in different ways, there are no two people on the planet that are exactly alike.

So each person is the fucking best at being that person by the simple fact that there are no other competitors. It’s the chips in the paint, the frayed seams, the mismatched buttons, the differently sized sleeves, and the small stains that define us, and make us perfectly imperfect.

So you know how your problems really suck? And how all you really want to do is run away from them as fast as you can and as far as you can get? And that just makes you disgusted with yourself because you’re acting like such a whiny little bitch?

It’s okay to run away from your problems. No wait. Actually, that’s bullshit. It’s not okay to run away from your problems. But, it is going to happen anyway so you might as well own up to the fact that you’re doing it.

There’s a reason why facing your fears sucks so much. It’s because you’re literally, turning to face, meaning look at, the the things that disgust and terrify you the most in the world. And at first, you’re just not going to do it. Like, you’re going to find every single fucking reason in the world, not to do it.

You’ll mess around in other people’s lives. You’ll join every organization you can. You’ll get really angry about arbitrary things and rant about how their the source of everyone’s woes. You’ll think about how awful the world is. And finally, maybe, you’ll get around to realizing that all you have been doing is running around, avoiding looking at the things that really freak you out or piss you off.

At the end though, your running away will not change a thing. Because in life, if you run in a straight line, you just complete a lap and end up back where you started. Your problems don’t go anywhere unless you choose to deal with them, and running away, though at times a lot of fun, doesn’t actually solve anything.

So you can take off if you want to. Keep running in those circles, learning as you go yet not really making much progress with the whole depression part. Or you can stop, deal with the shit in your way, and then get access to a few new paths. Break out of those well-defined grooves and tracks that you’ve been running on, and start off in a new direction.

So you know how no matter how many times you seem to whack off the limbs your depression, it just keeps growing back? Like your misery is some sort of starfish on metaphorical steroids? Or an infection that resists all efforts to cure it?

It is important to deal with your day to day misery and find ways to push back on the blah. It is also important to all the while, search for the underlying causes of your misery and upon identifying them, determine ways to handle them as well.

Because depression tends to have root causes. Often there are obvious external contributing factors, like death, poverty, disease. But then there are the cases that so often don’t make any sense. People who are well-fed, well-loved, well-taken care of, and yet still so utterly miserable.

Thing is, misery doesn’t come from nowhere. So typically in those cases, an individual has internalized damage from past external stresses. Maybe you’re well-fed now, but grew up without any food and can’t forget that fear of hunger. Maybe you’re loved now, but there were times when people close to you hurt you and never apologized or took responsibility.

You may not know or remember the reason why you’re so damaged. Still, there is one, and if you can find it, and address it, then you increase the likelihood that you can consistently treat that misery disease of yours.

So find a root solution to your depression. Determine what originally caused the fear and mistrust that persist in your heart, and seek out ways to alleviate that pain. If you don’t know how, that’s okay. There are plenty of other miserable or formerly miserable people in the world who can tell you their gory stories. String together a couple of their narratives to find one that fits you, and you’re good to go.

So you know how you’re an awful, useless person? And you don’t deserve anything you get? And yet sometimes cool shit happens to you, and that’s really unfair because you suck and there are a lot of other people who don’t?

Then again, there are a lot of people who suck more than you, and yet even more cool shit happens to them. So what about all that?

While karma is fun in concept, if it is real, it sure takes a long time to work. Because there are plenty of people in the world who do really fucked up shit, and still get rewarded. Maybe they do get fucked up in a “later life”, but if the current you is not around to observe it, then cosmic justice doesn’t really mean squat.

And it is just as frustrating, and sad, that there are so many people who do awesome things and are not rewarded for their efforts. Whether someone does “good” or “bad” things seems to have no impact on whether or not “good” or “bad” things happen to them, which is a terrifying realization.

Still, our actions do matter. Even if you can not make the entire world a more just place,  you can be just in how you interact with others. You can reward those who you think deserve to be rewarded, and you can deny rewards to those you think have acted inappropriately. If you are rewarded for things that you do not believe you deserve, then you can pass those rewards on to other people who you do think deserve it. And at the same time, you can recognize that sometimes you have done enough to justify some good things happening to you.

So good things happen to bad people. Too bad. And bad things happen to good people. Sucks. You get to decide what good things you do for others. You don’t get to decide what good things happen to you. Accept them, or transfer them, it’s up to you.