So you know how you have a ton of kittens to hug, orphans to rescue, and pandas to free? And yet there are so many things that you have to do that you’re too overwhelmed to start on any of them? So you procrastinate by doing pointless things, or even just staring at walls?

Blank walls can be endlessly entertaining when you have things that you should be doing. Sometimes they’re like a screen that your mind can project all your self-loathing onto. Instead of doing stuff, you get to hear all the criticisms in your head in full stereo surround sound.  Why aren’t you doing this? You should be doing that! Why is your face so ugly? So on and so forth.

Most of the time procrastination is really fine. Oh sure if you don’t finish something for work then you could lose your job. And if you promised your kids you’d have a cake for their birthday and then you don’t, well they’ll probably hate you forever. So the outcomes that might result if you don’t deal with whatever you’re procrastinating are probably pretty shitty. Still, unless you’re on a sinking ship, or in a burning building, or in charge of preventing the impending detonation of nuclear bombs, the thing that you’re procrastinating is probably not going to result in an immediate, direct threat to your or someone else’s life.

And if you are procrastinating something that isn’t lethal and doesn’t have to be dealt with in the next two minutes, then you can relax for several minutes, or days, or really up until the exact moment at which you realize that if you’re going to do that thing, then you need to do it now. All the time before that moment is a bonus. If you use it, great, and if you don’t, less great. Hating on yourself doesn’t mean that you do the thing that you need to do any better, so really it’s just your depression taking a normal human tendency and using it to shank you with unnecessary guilt. Then even when you accomplish things, your depression just whines about how you could have done it faster, better, stronger, or harder. Though if your depression sounds like Kanye West, then it might all be for the best.

Sometimes procrastination has its benefits. If you are someone who is energized by deadlines, then it can help you be more creative. If what you are working on keeps getting changed, then it can save you from making efforts in the “wrong” direction. And even when it’s not useful, sometimes it’s just what happens. The issue is when your procrastination spirals out of control and you can no longer predict it. When you’re really not sure whether you’ll make it in time, or the amount of stress you put on yourself is unhealthy. At that point, it’s time to look at your habits and think about, you know, changing them.

So there can be pros to procrastination. And typically the cons aren’t too deadly so the whole thing is really a wash. If you’re fine procrastinating and you do get the job done, then keep going with it. And if you are reaching the point where it’s a liability, or you are just fed up with your own behavior, then go ahead and change things up.  Procrastination is a habit, and so like most habits, it is a challenge to do things differently, and yet still completely possible.

So you know how people are always telling you what to do? Or how to solve all your problems? And then you’re caught in a bind because you think they’re wrong but you also think they’re right? Though either way you find them incredibly annoying.

You’re right. They’re right. Still, your perspective matters more because you’re actually you. When people give you advice, sometimes it’s really good advice. As in, so brilliant that if you did what they said then your life would be amazing. The thing is a lot of advice out there is fucking difficult to follow. Sure you’d love to be able to solve all your problems by doing what other people say, but oh wait, you’re depressed, and not all of it is currently relevant to you.

Sometimes people just won’t shut up even when you tell them that you can’t do what they are saying right now. They keep talking and talking, until you’re overwhelmed by everything. Then you block them out and they get all upset because you’re not listening to them. And you blame yourself, because you know they are right and you should be doing what they say, but for some reason, um depression, you just can’t seem to pull yourself together.

And at the same time as agreeing with them, you’re also really fucking pissed. Because they don’t know everything that is going on in your life or inside of your head. Even if they understand you to some extent and are offering really well thought out suggestions, you need to get to the point where you can take any action in order to take their advice. You need time and space to sort it all out, and with them constantly talking, that time and space is hard to come by.

If you think that other people are right, and you still can’t take their advice because you have your own shit going on, then that’s totally cool. The thing is, they won’t know they’re not being helpful unless you tell them. They will think that you are just rejecting good advice, when really, you’re hearing all of it and just need some time before you can take it. They won’t realize that they’re not listening to you, and not taking what you need into account unless you explain that to them.

So take both sides. You can realize that other people are right when they tell you to do stuff, and you can accept that you are not yet at a place where you can do what they are suggesting. It’s not their fault for giving advice, and it’s not your fault for not being able to take it. The depression is getting in the way of you putting thought into action. You are on your own side first and foremost because you are you. And you can look at other peoples’ sides too, because they’ve got some useful things to say and just need to be told the most helpful way to say it.

So you know how people are always going on and on about this or that problem? And while they do that you just sit there thinking about how stoic you are because you’re really good at controlling yourself and hiding all your shit? And yet you are also, lonely, depressed, and miserable inside? Hm. Think there’s a connection?

They say that depression is anger turned inward. Who they are, and how they can say that bullshit when so many depressed people get angry outward, are both excellent questions. The point is that repression, though endless fun, is not really a method of dealing with your problems. It is however, a great way to not deal with your problems. Still, in the long run, a lack of resolution on some big issue can result in the slow accumulation of more negativity. The guilt and misery will eat its way through your consciousness until you have a big, fat, all-consuming blah of depression. Om nom nom.

Not depressed people talk a lot about things, which can be kind of gross. Still, they also get to not be depressed. It’s a trade off. If you keep all your negative shit inside of you where it can fester and infect the rest of your mind, then surprise! You don’t heal, and you don’t move on. If you express some of that shit, through writing instruction booklets, painting squirrels, tandem unicycling, speaking to your clown, or whatever else you want, then you air out the wound, expose it to sunlight, and put on a bandage to prevent it from becoming filled with emotional bacteria and pus. Pus is not attractive.

While being stoic is cool and all, it’s also just another way for your depression to isolate you from other people. If you were bleeding internally, not telling someone would be fucking stupid. And if you’re really depressed and fucked up inside, then not telling someone can be about as stupid, and in some cases, not necessarily less life threatening. Even if you don’t want to ask for help, you can still tell people what you’re going through. If they try to understand your complexities and do a shit job at it, you can let them know that. If they want to help but don’t know how, you can tell them how. If they give you advice that you don’t want to take, you can tell them why and then not take it. And if they’re being an asshole, then fuck them.

Now that’s all no fun. Telling people shit is uncool. It’s much more fun to be independent and not rely on other people. Fine and good. If you can find ways of internally managing your depression without telling anyone, then go for it. If however, you think that you’re okay because you are only slightly dying inside as opposed to fully dying inside, then that is not the same thing. Or if your depression is manifesting itself in external self-destructive behavior, that is also not the same thing. That is not you handling your depression, that is you doing your best to maintain it at current levels.

So yeah, you do not have to always tell people stuff. If you get a kick out of being all dark and mysterious, or all different because you don’t need people, then good for you. Have fun with it.  And if things do get to the point where you realize that repression is not what it used to be, then you can tell people that is happening. You don’t have to do it forever if you don’t want to. Just doing it in the short run can help confirm that you don’t need to be ashamed of what you are going through. Your stoic-ness will always be a part of you, even if sometimes you choose to let some of it slide.

So you know how sometimes you really want some help with something? Like moving, or painting a mural, or collecting silk cocoons? And yet you don’t ask anyone because it makes you feel all weird inside or you wouldn’t want to impose on people or you think you’ll look weak or something something something? That shit is dumb. Just fucking ask.

If people close to you say no when you ask for help, then they’re being a fucking asshole. Because asking for help is really fucking hard to do, and they’ve probably had to do it at some point, so they should know how much it sucks. Even if you have asked for a thousand things in the past, and some have worked out while others haven’t, it doesn’t fucking matter. If you really need help, then you need it. If someone says no when you really need help and honestly ask for it, then that’s not on you. It’s on them.

Unless you’re asking for help with something that both you and they know is fucking bullshit. Stuff like hiding something that you need to take responsibility for, or enabling some shitty behavior that both of you think you need to stop. If someone refuses to help you with something stupid, that’s a good sign that they actually give a fuck about you. In that case, they’ll probably be willing to help you do something that will actually be productive. And if you want to avoid possible judgment or resentment or negative history, it’s also cool to seek help from people who aren’t close to you. You can seek out individuals who get what you’re going through, or who just know how to help.

Now even if people are willing to help you, you still may not want to ask. It will make you weak. It will be embarrassing. It feels uncomfortable. You don’t know how to do it. Fuck that. If you want help, then who the fuck cares about how you ask or how you look when you do it? If asking for help is weak, then why is it so fucking hard to do? It takes a fuck ton of effort and inner turmoil before you can just speak some goddamned words.

And that’s all really besides the point. Because if you need help, it’s because you need fucking help. What is necessary must be done no matter what. Save the embarrassment or guilt for after you’ve cauterized the wound and stopped hemorrhaging internally. And even if people help you, it’s not like they can do everything for you. You’ll still have to help yourself, and will still have to deal with the consequences of whatever is going on.

So if you don’t want help, then don’t ask for it. Shocker. And if you do want help, then fuck, do ask for it. Not asking for help while you slowly die inside is fucking pointless. You don’t get help, you do get misery. Oh and you do get to keep thinking that you’re an independent asshole who doesn’t need nothing from no one.  Guess that can be worth it, if that’s your thing. Whatever. It’s cool to do what’s necessary rather than wait around for things to just happen on their own. Asking for help sucks. Getting help and then moving on with your life? That sucks a lot less.

So you know how you have the potential to live all the dreams? And you could even be a fire-baller-ani-sci-presi-bus-amagician-avior? And how you are a bad person because you aren’t heeding the call of destiny and living up to expectations?

Right… expectations. Fuck them. Where the fuck did all those expectations come from anyway? Family, sure. Friends, all right. Society, okay. Different people heap on new expectations about who you are and what you have to do. Still, it’s not as though you can do everything that everyone wants of you all the time. In the end, you pick and choose which expectations to fulfill and which to let slide.

Really the expectations that are up in your brain making you feel all unfulfilled are yours. You’re the one who knows your capabilities best. You’re the one who notices if you’re not doing something you know could be doing. Other people may think they know what you can and can’t do, but ultimately they’re not the ones who feel it when something is more challenging than it’s worth. Or when something comes naturally and you want to do more of it.

Why the fuck are you getting on your case? Potential. Fuck that shit.You have the potential to do lots of random things. You could climb a mountain backwards, or marry your car, or steal all the baked beans from your local market. That last one is a bad idea though. Too much beans… The question isn’t “What fantastical things could or should I do?” It’s what are the things that you are actually capable of and that you want or need to do?

Spending so much time thinking about everything that you have the potential to do is fucking exhausting. And in the end, all you feel is shitty and miserable because there are all these things that you could do but you aren’t doing them. What about all those things that you need to get to first before you go around freeing pandas? What about all the things you are already doing? Those fucking count for something. Those are you fulfilling your potential to, you know, be alive and shit.

So fuck, fuck, fuck potential. Fuck being overwhelmed by inifinite possibilities and expectations. You already have shit to do that actually matters in the here and now, and that is fucking important. If you want to get around to fulfilling some of that potential to be magical, then that’s fine, you’ll get to it. Otherwise, being alive is pretty hard as it is, and so if you can get that shit down, kudos.

So you know how there’s always someone who has it a thousand times worse than you? Particularly those poor people starving and bleeding in other countries. And how you don’t deserve any of the things that you have, but they do, because they’re suffering so much more than you? And how you don’t appreciate your life as much as you should, especially since you’re depressed and miserable when you should be gleeful? Yeah that’s about right.

You should give up everything you have and go live with dying foreign people. That will solve everything. You can probably be really helpful to them because you’re depressed and can offer them instructions on how to be blasé and numb. Don’t mock, these are important traits to have when living a developed nation lifestyle. Or maybe you have true skills to offer, like mediciney making magic, in which case, you’ll be useful, yet still miserable. Productive for others, and yet still waiting to really feel good about it. Oh joy!

Ha. Sarcasm. Anyway, whether you’re useful or useless is not really relevant. The world won’t fix itself, and poor starving people won’t suddenly stop being poor and starving when you stop having awesome things in your life. Your awesome things are not connected to foreign dying people. Well actually, when it comes to material goods, international industrial systems of production rely on resources and people from all around the world, so yes, your awesome material things are connected… Still, whether you are able to enjoy going for a walk outside, interacting with other people, or hugging all the kittens, is not dependent on far away dying people.

Also, who says those people want your life anyway? Oh sure if you’re poor and starving you want food, and yeah, you want wealth. Still, they’d likely rather have the life of some asshole who has all those things and isn’t fucking depressed. If they could choose whose life to switch with, yours would probably not be at the top of the list. Plus, those people may not want to switch lives with anyone. They have their own set of possessions, their own religion and community, and their own friends and family. They do need food, water, shelter, and love. They don’t need your food, water, shelter, or love.

And when it comes to the question of deserving your life or not, that’s a moot point. You did not get to choose your life and other people did not get to choose theirs. If your lot is better than someone else’s in some respect, well that’s lucky for you. You can appreciate your life without feeling bad about people who don’t have the things you have. No one is rewarded based on how much they suffer. Not you, not anyone else. If you think it is sad that other people are suffering, then you can go help them. Though you probably want to deal with your depression first because being blasé and numb, though fun, does not the productive helper make.

So if you are considering picking up your life and all your shit to go help people, think again. Jokes. That would be pretty cool. And if you don’t want to do that, it’s really fine. Everyone deserves to have good things in their life. And yet, not everyone has the same things. Did you make it that way? No. Although you can try to change it if you want. Still, you do not have to feel guilty for having more than other people. Fuck that shit. Just feel grateful. And if you can’t yet because your depression is making it hard to feel anything positive, then that’s fine. Fake it for now, feel it when you’re better.

So you know how guilt is delicious? How it may make you miserable but it’s still so much fun to shovel it down? And how when you lie around sick from your guilt, your responsibilities overwhelm you and drag you down into the sweet surrender of your depression?

Guilt is a fucking joke. Honestly. You feel guilty about this thing or that thing,  and then you’re so incapacitated by your depression that you can’t do anything to change the thing you feel guilty about. What bullshit. If you’re going to feel guilty about something, you might as well just not because then you have a hope of actually affecting your behavior or taking some action.

Ha. Not feel guilt.  Brilliant! Because this is the easiest thing in the world, right? It’s fucking impossible. Guilt is inevitable. Well, as long as you have a conscience, and statistically speaking, you likely do. You will always feel guilt for doing shitty things that you know you probably should not have done. That is how it’s supposed to work. Guilt has a proper place and in fact, it’s fucking necessary or everyone would be a selfish asshole all the time and nothing would ever get done.

It’s feeling guilt all the goddamned time that doesn’t make any sense. If you have something that you feel guilty about, or that you regret, then own up to yourself or to other people and then change your behavior accordingly. On the other hand, a certain amount of selfishness is guaranteed in life, and if you feel guilty about all of it, that doesn’t make you a better person, just a more miserable one.  Now, selfishness where you go around killing people or stealing their shit is still kind of just a little bit morally incorrigible, so maybe avoid that. Still, you can not live without taking up some resources, and without focusing on your responsibilities to yourself a.k.a. sleeping, and typically, to some of the people around you.

Life requires a certain amount of selfishness, and while it might make sense to feel sad about this in some sort of fit of cosmic self-awareness, there is no reason to feel guilty about it. It is simply inevitable that some part of your life must be focused on managing your life. But hey, you do get to choose that amount. If you want to spend some of your attention on things besides yourself and those around you, that’s just great. Go do that then.

So if you want to eat lots of guilt, do it at scheduled meal times. Ha ha metaphors. No, but really, do feel guilt when you’ve done something shitty. And when you need to do selfish things to live, like eat actual food, then fuck feeling guilty about that. Then again, it’s your guilt. Portion control as you see fit.

So you know how if you live in a developed country in the modern era then you have tons of creature comforts? Like ovens, toilets, and ski machines? And how this makes you soft because you don’t live out in the wilderness completely by yourself? And so you really should leave this life of opulence to seek your destiny in the desert, but you don’t because you’re just so scared and weak?

Hold the self-loathing for a second. This is just fucking absurd. First off, the modern world may have lots of advanced technology, but it also has a ton of other shit that’s fucked up that you have had to adapt to. Everything you eat or breathe gives you cancer. Every time you cross the street a texting driver might mow you down. Anything you watch on television is somehow going to fuck up your brain. And, oh right, you’re depressed so your emotional and mental health are fucked. There’s plenty of shit testing your survival skills in this modern life, because there are still plenty of things that could fuck you up or even kill you. What fun!

On the other hand, you don’t need to hunt for your own food, or make your own clothes, or pick the lice out of your own hair. So fucking what? If you want to learn how to do those things go ahead and learn how to do them. There’s probably some community center nearby that will teach you about basket weaving, or some former boy scout leader that can teach you how to tie knots. And oh wait, there’s this thing called the Internet that can teach you whatever the fuck you have ever wanted to know, ever.

The real point is: who gives a fuck if you couldn’t survive in the past? You’re depressed so the way you are now, you probably couldn’t survive without couches because then what would you sit around on when consumed by melancholy? But really, people in the past didn’t survive that way because they wanted to or because it was rustic and cool, they did it because they had to. And if you had to survive that way, you would too. You would take cold baths because there’s no heat, and eat rabbit meat because you’ve run out of kittens. You would do these depraved things because you had to.

And in fact, people in the world still do. In the developing world plenty of people live hard core because it’s what they need to do. No, this doesn’t mean that you have to feel bad because you live a softer life. That’s just your lot. If you want to help them change theirs, that’s a separate issue. People who live that life aren’t stronger than you by nature or even force of will, they became that way because their circumstances demanded it. If you think you’re weak, you can expose yourself to situations that demand you to become stronger.

So you get to rest easy in your comfy life. Just because your survival is easier to guarantee in certain ways, that does not mean that it is unchallenged. Often you face even greater challenges than your peers because you’re depressed, and that makes everything you do seven times harder. If you still think that you need to learn how to survive in the wild, there’s nothing stopping you from learning. And if you think that it’s okay to accept that your life includes a certain amount of comfortable things, then that’s fine too.

So you know how you feel like a big jiggy jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces and lots of intricate images of flowers? And so no one can put you together in a way that actually resembles that fucking picture on the front of the box? And you’re just so complicated that no one could ever understand you?

No. Just no. You’re not complicated. You’re depressed. Which often makes you less complicated because you share a lot of traits with other depressed people. Like hating on things. Or being sad about things. Or keeping secrets about things that people wouldn’t judge you for anyway. Or telling people things that they will judge you about just to see their reaction. Shit like that.

So here’s the thing: by the very nature of there being no one else who is you, you are unique. No way around that unless cloning human beings becomes both scientifically possible and morally acceptable. Your feelings are yours alone, your thinkings are yours alone, your eyebrows are yours alone. So yes, no one else fully understands you. This is sad, and yet also incredibly comforting.

Does this mean that there is not a single other person in the entire world that could maybe, possibly, slightly understand how some of your experiences affect you? Fuck no. Meaning yes, there is such a person. Because for one, there’s this little thing called empathy which allows people to not be fucking “sociopaths” and to understand each others’ perspectives. And for another, there’s this thing called, other-people-have-gone-through-shit-similar-to-you-and-can-agree-with-you-about-how-much-it-sucks.

Now, if some fucking asshole tries to pretend they know everything about you because their dog died seven years ago and you just had your right kidney removed, then fuck that. On the other hand, if someone is reaching out to you because they had their  left kidney removed and they know how it leaves a void in your heart as well as a physical one in your body, then hey, that might be an interesting story, if nothing else.

So you can keep believing that you’re mysterious and inscrutable. Because you’re right, no one does completely understand you. And when someone gets part of you, for instance, your depression, there’s no real reason to squirm out of it. Everything will be okay because you can just sit quietly and nod your head until they leave you alone. Or, if you don’t mind their misguided attempts to tango with your complexity,  it could even be useful to speak to them.  Who knows? If they really do get what you’re going through, then maybe they know a way out.

So you know how people are always being bright and cheerful about things all the time? And what you really want to do is crawl up in a nice little corner all by yourself? And yet when you do that you just feel like shit because you’re being anti-social? And still, it’s better than when you go out with people and just bring them down with your miserableness?

Well, what a sad little cycle you’re in! Can’t hang out with people since you’ll just inflict your depression on them and cause them to judge you, yet also can’t just let yourself mellow out on your own because that means you’re a gloomy McGloomerson and your self-loathing self will have a field day calling you out on it.

Fuck it. If you want to be alone, go ahead and do it. Just not because of the other people you may bring down. Who gives  a fuck about them? They spend plenty of time whining about shit that makes them unhappy so they can fucking put up with you doing the same. Do it because you just need sometime to get your shit together without other people distracting you or without being bombarded by all of their and the rest of the world’s bullshit.

Then again, if you feel like being with people, then that’s fine too. If people give you shit because you’re all depressed and miserable, just tell them you’re dealing with stuff and need them to put up with it. Likely you’ve done that for someone in the past, so they should do it for you. And even if you haven’t, there are people out there who have had to rely on others and therefore may have a debt that they can’t repay, so find them so that they’ll pay it forward to you. Win win.

If the people you want to be with are also going through shit, and you think that you’re dumping on them, then that just means you have to take as much shit as you give. You don’t have to avoid people who are going through things because, ultimately, you guys can probably understand each other better than people who are fucking oblivious. That being said, if you just sit around being all sad together, then don’t be surprised if you just stew in your mutual depression. Which is cool if that’s what you want. Otherwise you might choose to help each other heal and not just scratch at your wounds.

So if you want to be a whiny little bitch around people, do it. If you tell them you need that, then they should give it to you, or you should find other people who will. Just remember, sometimes people need to be reminded of how to treat you when you’re struggling, so you’ll probably need to use words to communicate, and not rely on facial expressions or telepathy.  On the other hand, if you want to be alone, then that’s cool too. And if you want to do one of those things, and then hate on yourself for it, no one’s stopping you from doing that either. It’s your misery, after all.