This post is dedicated to my tallest fan. Here’s to you my ever-growing friend. Someday you’ll reach your dreams. Or you won’t. It’ll work out either way.

So you know how feelings are kind of the stupidest thing ever? Like disgusting little parasites crawling all over your awesome, rational logic board of a brain and sucking up your processing power? And all they do is make you feel silly and dumb? Yet you can’t seem to convince yourself to give them up. In fact part of you wants to plant them in the ground and watch them grow into feelings trees and bear lots of feelings fruits?

Metaphors… They get away from you. Emotions are stupid. But that’s really besides the point. Because emotions exist, and as much as they suck, they have power over you so you’d better figure out how the fuck to deal with them.

Especially anger. Anger is the wound that festers and gets infected. It might heal on its own. But that would require you to stop picking off the scabs, and given your penchant for inflicting pain on yourself, that’s just not going to happen. And actually it doesn’t need to. It’s okay if you want to keep the pain going, because it’s useful. It helps you control yourself, it gives you charismatic capabilities, it accentuates the high-lows, and it just makes everything so goddamned interesting.

Anger can be sexy. So brood on. Still, you know what isn’t sexy? Whiny, seething, resentment. When your anger shifts from being your power source to being a drain, you need to find a way to fix it. What does fixing it mean? Figure it the fuck out. Everyone has got their own methods. It’s probably best to avoid those that involve taking it out on other people since that just results in spirals of guilt and self-loathing, which is not so sexy. That being said, you come first. Always. If you find a productive means of dealing with your problems, then drink it dry.

And then there’s… affection. That most powerful and most irritating of all the emotions because once it starts growing it overtakes everything with its syrupy sweet bullshit. Fuck affection. It’s fucking annoying. It makes it so hard for you to just go about your business of being awesome all by yourself. Still, like anger, it doesn’t go anywhere unless you find a way to deal with it. And in the meantime it’s a powerful distraction. You need to deal with the affection. Whether that means investing in it, or continuously pruning it, something must be done.

So you get to be pissed about having feelings. They suck. And they should really just go fuck themselves. Still, they exist. Figure out what to do about it.