So you know how people are always telling you to fake things until they become real? And you’ve tried, but it never does become real? And so you’re just being a fakey faker and a hypocrite because you’re acting like something you’re not?

Fuck faking it till you make it. Just fake it forever. If acting like everything is cool means that you can operate in certain circumstances, then feel free to do that even as you struggle on the inside. That way at least you get to have the perks of some parts of your life being okay, as you figure out how to deal with the parts of your life that are definitively not. If you operate as though you are fine, and live parts of your life as though you are fine, and in certain circumstances, you function like a fine person, that can be useful when trying to survive.

Of course, you aren’t fine. You’re dying inside a little more each day. Still, it is fine to be fake if it means that you can get through the day to day routines that you need to get through. Doing that does not mean that you’re a hypocrite.  It does mean that you’re pretending to be something you are not right now, but then so what?

Now slowly your façade may become impossible to maintain. And eventually it may get to the point where you can’t pretend to be fine. That’s cool. Fake as much as you can, and then handle the rest. Go to the events you can deal with, speak with the people you can speak with, do the things you can do. And then you can deal with your depression as  you go. You don’t need to feel bad because you’re faking capabilities are diminishing. They’re not. It’s just that your depression is making things more difficult.

There is a point where your faking shit becomes a liability. When your depression has taken so much of you that you are having trouble coping, losing track of responsibilities, or just really becoming fucked up on the inside. At that point, fake what you can, take a break from what you can, and for the remainder, ask someone else. When you’re truly falling apart on the inside, and you can only fake so much or not at all really, then try some not faking with people you trust. Try honestly expressing that you need their help. Or try some not faking where you let yourself just rest without any expectations beyond managing the basic day-to-day challenges.

So fake it as long as you want to. There’s no reason to ever stop pretending, because even when a lot of shit is fucked up, some things are still fine. Those fine things can keep being fine, even if it means you’re faking it. Meanwhile, those things that are really falling to shit can also be dealt with. Acting like everything is okay may not always make everything okay. Yet sometimes it can mean that something is still doable even if it has become much harder. And when the time comes where you need to limit the faking in order to honestly deal with whatever you are going through, then that is fine as well.

So you know how people are always all “How am I supposed to know something is wrong if you don’t tell me?” And how you trying to explain to them your depression is like trying to explain to a whale why humans love land so much?  And how then you just feel like you’re a really fucked up person who everyone judges and never fully understands?

Communication is a fucking bitch. It sucks. It just fucking sucks. You’re caught in a bind because when you try to explain, everything comes out wrong and you sound defensive or like you’re making excuses. And when you don’t explain then no one knows what the fuck is going on with you or what they can do to help. Then you spend your time struggling to get your point across or lapse into silence and resolve yourself to being a stoic.

Here’s the thing: you need to communicate. Yes, you can go live by yourself and never talk to anyone ever again. So if that works for you, go for it. Still, if you do choose to stay near people because you want company, or have responsibilities, or just want to live in a populated area, then you have to be able to get across what you want or need. You can do it in writing. You can do it in words. You can do it mime. As long as you have a way of interacting with other people, you’re in the clear.

If you’re depressed, then at some point you will probably want to communicate that. People will not understand why you need to sleep so much, or eat so much, or be sad so much, or be angry so much, or be busy so much, or be emotionless so much, or shit like that. They will not realize that all the billions of excuses or explanations that you give for things are really you saying: “I’m depressed and I’m trying to cope with that.” Know what will make them realize? If you fucking tell them.

Telling someone that you are depressed does not mean that they will understand it. That part sucks. People will make assumptions, or deny your depression, or be an asshole, or just not know how to handle it. You get the excellent task of reminding them that, although they do not fully understand, what you are saying is the truth, and you are doing your best to explain it. Maybe you’ll choose to help them understand what you are going through. The Internet can help with that. And maybe you will just throw it out there and let them figure it out. No matter what, once people know what you are going through they will have a different perspective.

So forget people and move to the wilderness. You can test out your survival skills. Oh you want to stay near people? Then find methods of communication and interaction that you find mildly less uncomfortable than all of the others. Don’t want to talk about your depression? Then don’t. Do want people to know what you’re going through, but don’t want to explain? Then tell them and leave it at that. Want to be understood? Then invest in helping other people to learn more about depression. Even a little bit more understanding can mean a lot more patience for you.

So you know how you have a ton of kittens to hug, orphans to rescue, and pandas to free? And yet there are so many things that you have to do that you’re too overwhelmed to start on any of them? So you procrastinate by doing pointless things, or even just staring at walls?

Blank walls can be endlessly entertaining when you have things that you should be doing. Sometimes they’re like a screen that your mind can project all your self-loathing onto. Instead of doing stuff, you get to hear all the criticisms in your head in full stereo surround sound.  Why aren’t you doing this? You should be doing that! Why is your face so ugly? So on and so forth.

Most of the time procrastination is really fine. Oh sure if you don’t finish something for work then you could lose your job. And if you promised your kids you’d have a cake for their birthday and then you don’t, well they’ll probably hate you forever. So the outcomes that might result if you don’t deal with whatever you’re procrastinating are probably pretty shitty. Still, unless you’re on a sinking ship, or in a burning building, or in charge of preventing the impending detonation of nuclear bombs, the thing that you’re procrastinating is probably not going to result in an immediate, direct threat to your or someone else’s life.

And if you are procrastinating something that isn’t lethal and doesn’t have to be dealt with in the next two minutes, then you can relax for several minutes, or days, or really up until the exact moment at which you realize that if you’re going to do that thing, then you need to do it now. All the time before that moment is a bonus. If you use it, great, and if you don’t, less great. Hating on yourself doesn’t mean that you do the thing that you need to do any better, so really it’s just your depression taking a normal human tendency and using it to shank you with unnecessary guilt. Then even when you accomplish things, your depression just whines about how you could have done it faster, better, stronger, or harder. Though if your depression sounds like Kanye West, then it might all be for the best.

Sometimes procrastination has its benefits. If you are someone who is energized by deadlines, then it can help you be more creative. If what you are working on keeps getting changed, then it can save you from making efforts in the “wrong” direction. And even when it’s not useful, sometimes it’s just what happens. The issue is when your procrastination spirals out of control and you can no longer predict it. When you’re really not sure whether you’ll make it in time, or the amount of stress you put on yourself is unhealthy. At that point, it’s time to look at your habits and think about, you know, changing them.

So there can be pros to procrastination. And typically the cons aren’t too deadly so the whole thing is really a wash. If you’re fine procrastinating and you do get the job done, then keep going with it. And if you are reaching the point where it’s a liability, or you are just fed up with your own behavior, then go ahead and change things up.  Procrastination is a habit, and so like most habits, it is a challenge to do things differently, and yet still completely possible.

So you know how people are always telling you what to do? Or how to solve all your problems? And then you’re caught in a bind because you think they’re wrong but you also think they’re right? Though either way you find them incredibly annoying.

You’re right. They’re right. Still, your perspective matters more because you’re actually you. When people give you advice, sometimes it’s really good advice. As in, so brilliant that if you did what they said then your life would be amazing. The thing is a lot of advice out there is fucking difficult to follow. Sure you’d love to be able to solve all your problems by doing what other people say, but oh wait, you’re depressed, and not all of it is currently relevant to you.

Sometimes people just won’t shut up even when you tell them that you can’t do what they are saying right now. They keep talking and talking, until you’re overwhelmed by everything. Then you block them out and they get all upset because you’re not listening to them. And you blame yourself, because you know they are right and you should be doing what they say, but for some reason, um depression, you just can’t seem to pull yourself together.

And at the same time as agreeing with them, you’re also really fucking pissed. Because they don’t know everything that is going on in your life or inside of your head. Even if they understand you to some extent and are offering really well thought out suggestions, you need to get to the point where you can take any action in order to take their advice. You need time and space to sort it all out, and with them constantly talking, that time and space is hard to come by.

If you think that other people are right, and you still can’t take their advice because you have your own shit going on, then that’s totally cool. The thing is, they won’t know they’re not being helpful unless you tell them. They will think that you are just rejecting good advice, when really, you’re hearing all of it and just need some time before you can take it. They won’t realize that they’re not listening to you, and not taking what you need into account unless you explain that to them.

So take both sides. You can realize that other people are right when they tell you to do stuff, and you can accept that you are not yet at a place where you can do what they are suggesting. It’s not their fault for giving advice, and it’s not your fault for not being able to take it. The depression is getting in the way of you putting thought into action. You are on your own side first and foremost because you are you. And you can look at other peoples’ sides too, because they’ve got some useful things to say and just need to be told the most helpful way to say it.

So you know how people are always going on and on about this or that problem? And while they do that you just sit there thinking about how stoic you are because you’re really good at controlling yourself and hiding all your shit? And yet you are also, lonely, depressed, and miserable inside? Hm. Think there’s a connection?

They say that depression is anger turned inward. Who they are, and how they can say that bullshit when so many depressed people get angry outward, are both excellent questions. The point is that repression, though endless fun, is not really a method of dealing with your problems. It is however, a great way to not deal with your problems. Still, in the long run, a lack of resolution on some big issue can result in the slow accumulation of more negativity. The guilt and misery will eat its way through your consciousness until you have a big, fat, all-consuming blah of depression. Om nom nom.

Not depressed people talk a lot about things, which can be kind of gross. Still, they also get to not be depressed. It’s a trade off. If you keep all your negative shit inside of you where it can fester and infect the rest of your mind, then surprise! You don’t heal, and you don’t move on. If you express some of that shit, through writing instruction booklets, painting squirrels, tandem unicycling, speaking to your clown, or whatever else you want, then you air out the wound, expose it to sunlight, and put on a bandage to prevent it from becoming filled with emotional bacteria and pus. Pus is not attractive.

While being stoic is cool and all, it’s also just another way for your depression to isolate you from other people. If you were bleeding internally, not telling someone would be fucking stupid. And if you’re really depressed and fucked up inside, then not telling someone can be about as stupid, and in some cases, not necessarily less life threatening. Even if you don’t want to ask for help, you can still tell people what you’re going through. If they try to understand your complexities and do a shit job at it, you can let them know that. If they want to help but don’t know how, you can tell them how. If they give you advice that you don’t want to take, you can tell them why and then not take it. And if they’re being an asshole, then fuck them.

Now that’s all no fun. Telling people shit is uncool. It’s much more fun to be independent and not rely on other people. Fine and good. If you can find ways of internally managing your depression without telling anyone, then go for it. If however, you think that you’re okay because you are only slightly dying inside as opposed to fully dying inside, then that is not the same thing. Or if your depression is manifesting itself in external self-destructive behavior, that is also not the same thing. That is not you handling your depression, that is you doing your best to maintain it at current levels.

So yeah, you do not have to always tell people stuff. If you get a kick out of being all dark and mysterious, or all different because you don’t need people, then good for you. Have fun with it.  And if things do get to the point where you realize that repression is not what it used to be, then you can tell people that is happening. You don’t have to do it forever if you don’t want to. Just doing it in the short run can help confirm that you don’t need to be ashamed of what you are going through. Your stoic-ness will always be a part of you, even if sometimes you choose to let some of it slide.

So you know how sometimes you really want some help with something? Like moving, or painting a mural, or collecting silk cocoons? And yet you don’t ask anyone because it makes you feel all weird inside or you wouldn’t want to impose on people or you think you’ll look weak or something something something? That shit is dumb. Just fucking ask.

If people close to you say no when you ask for help, then they’re being a fucking asshole. Because asking for help is really fucking hard to do, and they’ve probably had to do it at some point, so they should know how much it sucks. Even if you have asked for a thousand things in the past, and some have worked out while others haven’t, it doesn’t fucking matter. If you really need help, then you need it. If someone says no when you really need help and honestly ask for it, then that’s not on you. It’s on them.

Unless you’re asking for help with something that both you and they know is fucking bullshit. Stuff like hiding something that you need to take responsibility for, or enabling some shitty behavior that both of you think you need to stop. If someone refuses to help you with something stupid, that’s a good sign that they actually give a fuck about you. In that case, they’ll probably be willing to help you do something that will actually be productive. And if you want to avoid possible judgment or resentment or negative history, it’s also cool to seek help from people who aren’t close to you. You can seek out individuals who get what you’re going through, or who just know how to help.

Now even if people are willing to help you, you still may not want to ask. It will make you weak. It will be embarrassing. It feels uncomfortable. You don’t know how to do it. Fuck that. If you want help, then who the fuck cares about how you ask or how you look when you do it? If asking for help is weak, then why is it so fucking hard to do? It takes a fuck ton of effort and inner turmoil before you can just speak some goddamned words.

And that’s all really besides the point. Because if you need help, it’s because you need fucking help. What is necessary must be done no matter what. Save the embarrassment or guilt for after you’ve cauterized the wound and stopped hemorrhaging internally. And even if people help you, it’s not like they can do everything for you. You’ll still have to help yourself, and will still have to deal with the consequences of whatever is going on.

So if you don’t want help, then don’t ask for it. Shocker. And if you do want help, then fuck, do ask for it. Not asking for help while you slowly die inside is fucking pointless. You don’t get help, you do get misery. Oh and you do get to keep thinking that you’re an independent asshole who doesn’t need nothing from no one.  Guess that can be worth it, if that’s your thing. Whatever. It’s cool to do what’s necessary rather than wait around for things to just happen on their own. Asking for help sucks. Getting help and then moving on with your life? That sucks a lot less.

So you know how you have the potential to live all the dreams? And you could even be a fire-baller-ani-sci-presi-bus-amagician-avior? And how you are a bad person because you aren’t heeding the call of destiny and living up to expectations?

Right… expectations. Fuck them. Where the fuck did all those expectations come from anyway? Family, sure. Friends, all right. Society, okay. Different people heap on new expectations about who you are and what you have to do. Still, it’s not as though you can do everything that everyone wants of you all the time. In the end, you pick and choose which expectations to fulfill and which to let slide.

Really the expectations that are up in your brain making you feel all unfulfilled are yours. You’re the one who knows your capabilities best. You’re the one who notices if you’re not doing something you know could be doing. Other people may think they know what you can and can’t do, but ultimately they’re not the ones who feel it when something is more challenging than it’s worth. Or when something comes naturally and you want to do more of it.

Why the fuck are you getting on your case? Potential. Fuck that shit.You have the potential to do lots of random things. You could climb a mountain backwards, or marry your car, or steal all the baked beans from your local market. That last one is a bad idea though. Too much beans… The question isn’t “What fantastical things could or should I do?” It’s what are the things that you are actually capable of and that you want or need to do?

Spending so much time thinking about everything that you have the potential to do is fucking exhausting. And in the end, all you feel is shitty and miserable because there are all these things that you could do but you aren’t doing them. What about all those things that you need to get to first before you go around freeing pandas? What about all the things you are already doing? Those fucking count for something. Those are you fulfilling your potential to, you know, be alive and shit.

So fuck, fuck, fuck potential. Fuck being overwhelmed by inifinite possibilities and expectations. You already have shit to do that actually matters in the here and now, and that is fucking important. If you want to get around to fulfilling some of that potential to be magical, then that’s fine, you’ll get to it. Otherwise, being alive is pretty hard as it is, and so if you can get that shit down, kudos.

So you know how there’s always someone who has it a thousand times worse than you? Particularly those poor people starving and bleeding in other countries. And how you don’t deserve any of the things that you have, but they do, because they’re suffering so much more than you? And how you don’t appreciate your life as much as you should, especially since you’re depressed and miserable when you should be gleeful? Yeah that’s about right.

You should give up everything you have and go live with dying foreign people. That will solve everything. You can probably be really helpful to them because you’re depressed and can offer them instructions on how to be blasé and numb. Don’t mock, these are important traits to have when living a developed nation lifestyle. Or maybe you have true skills to offer, like mediciney making magic, in which case, you’ll be useful, yet still miserable. Productive for others, and yet still waiting to really feel good about it. Oh joy!

Ha. Sarcasm. Anyway, whether you’re useful or useless is not really relevant. The world won’t fix itself, and poor starving people won’t suddenly stop being poor and starving when you stop having awesome things in your life. Your awesome things are not connected to foreign dying people. Well actually, when it comes to material goods, international industrial systems of production rely on resources and people from all around the world, so yes, your awesome material things are connected… Still, whether you are able to enjoy going for a walk outside, interacting with other people, or hugging all the kittens, is not dependent on far away dying people.

Also, who says those people want your life anyway? Oh sure if you’re poor and starving you want food, and yeah, you want wealth. Still, they’d likely rather have the life of some asshole who has all those things and isn’t fucking depressed. If they could choose whose life to switch with, yours would probably not be at the top of the list. Plus, those people may not want to switch lives with anyone. They have their own set of possessions, their own religion and community, and their own friends and family. They do need food, water, shelter, and love. They don’t need your food, water, shelter, or love.

And when it comes to the question of deserving your life or not, that’s a moot point. You did not get to choose your life and other people did not get to choose theirs. If your lot is better than someone else’s in some respect, well that’s lucky for you. You can appreciate your life without feeling bad about people who don’t have the things you have. No one is rewarded based on how much they suffer. Not you, not anyone else. If you think it is sad that other people are suffering, then you can go help them. Though you probably want to deal with your depression first because being blasé and numb, though fun, does not the productive helper make.

So if you are considering picking up your life and all your shit to go help people, think again. Jokes. That would be pretty cool. And if you don’t want to do that, it’s really fine. Everyone deserves to have good things in their life. And yet, not everyone has the same things. Did you make it that way? No. Although you can try to change it if you want. Still, you do not have to feel guilty for having more than other people. Fuck that shit. Just feel grateful. And if you can’t yet because your depression is making it hard to feel anything positive, then that’s fine. Fake it for now, feel it when you’re better.

So you know how guilt is delicious? How it may make you miserable but it’s still so much fun to shovel it down? And how when you lie around sick from your guilt, your responsibilities overwhelm you and drag you down into the sweet surrender of your depression?

Guilt is a fucking joke. Honestly. You feel guilty about this thing or that thing,  and then you’re so incapacitated by your depression that you can’t do anything to change the thing you feel guilty about. What bullshit. If you’re going to feel guilty about something, you might as well just not because then you have a hope of actually affecting your behavior or taking some action.

Ha. Not feel guilt.  Brilliant! Because this is the easiest thing in the world, right? It’s fucking impossible. Guilt is inevitable. Well, as long as you have a conscience, and statistically speaking, you likely do. You will always feel guilt for doing shitty things that you know you probably should not have done. That is how it’s supposed to work. Guilt has a proper place and in fact, it’s fucking necessary or everyone would be a selfish asshole all the time and nothing would ever get done.

It’s feeling guilt all the goddamned time that doesn’t make any sense. If you have something that you feel guilty about, or that you regret, then own up to yourself or to other people and then change your behavior accordingly. On the other hand, a certain amount of selfishness is guaranteed in life, and if you feel guilty about all of it, that doesn’t make you a better person, just a more miserable one.  Now, selfishness where you go around killing people or stealing their shit is still kind of just a little bit morally incorrigible, so maybe avoid that. Still, you can not live without taking up some resources, and without focusing on your responsibilities to yourself a.k.a. sleeping, and typically, to some of the people around you.

Life requires a certain amount of selfishness, and while it might make sense to feel sad about this in some sort of fit of cosmic self-awareness, there is no reason to feel guilty about it. It is simply inevitable that some part of your life must be focused on managing your life. But hey, you do get to choose that amount. If you want to spend some of your attention on things besides yourself and those around you, that’s just great. Go do that then.

So if you want to eat lots of guilt, do it at scheduled meal times. Ha ha metaphors. No, but really, do feel guilt when you’ve done something shitty. And when you need to do selfish things to live, like eat actual food, then fuck feeling guilty about that. Then again, it’s your guilt. Portion control as you see fit.