So you know how sometimes you want people to do something, and then they do it? And then you realize that you managed to impact another person’s behavior and got them to act in the way that you want? And of course this means that you manipulated them and are secretly an evil genius?

Guess what? You’re not that fucking smart. Other people are dumb or more plausibly, they feel like being generous, mean, or however else they act. Just because someone does something for you, or reacts in a way that you would expect, that does not mean that you got them to do something against their will. When you act a certain way, people react in a certain way, but they’re the ones who ultimately control their own actions.

If you know how the other person reacts to things, then yes, at times you might be able to predict their reaction to you. Still, there are times when you’re wrong. Or times when the other person knows what you are trying for and reacts with that knowledge in mind. Or times when the other person just doesn’t give a fuck about whether or not they do what you want but it happens to work out. Or you’ve gotten into a certain pattern of behavior with the other person and it’s just a vicious destructive cycle. In which case, you are both manipulating each other into negative interactions and one of you might want to try and change that. Just saying.

Maybe you want to be punished so you act in a way so that people will punish you. You are hostile, or whiny, or apathetic, or hyperactive and just wait for someone to call you out on your “inappropriate” behavior. And then they do. Shocker! That’s you manipulating your own behavior with the expectation of having a particular impact on another person.

Then again, you could be a “sociopath,” and you get people to do what you want, and then don’t feel any guilt if there are negative consequences. But oh wait, you’re depressed so you feel guilt about throwing away plastic containers or stepping on ants. Maybe not right away. Maybe at first you feel angry or sad or hurt, but eventually the guilt does come, so yup, you have a conscience. Not to mention, a certain amount of manipulation is just what everyone does. Fucking sucks, but whatever.

So by all means, go ahead and try to manipulate people. Sometimes you’ll probably succeed in getting what you want. Sometimes you’ll just annoy other people by complicating an innocent gesture of generosity. Sometimes people will be mean to you because you wanted them to be, or just because they suck. And sometimes, people don’t really care if you want or don’t want something from them, because they just want to be helpful to you. Fucking weirdos.

So you know how there are about a million things that you could be doing at any one time because in addition to freeing pandas, trying to become a fire-baller-ani-sci-presi-bus-amagician-avior, and generally being special, you could also be ice fishing, rock polishing, or meeting people a lot cooler than you? And every second that you aren’t doing these things is another second you will never get back and another moment where all of the magical opportunities available to you are squandered?

Um. Whatever.  So you’re losing out on doing everything awesome all the time. It’s cool because in exchange you’re spending time being miserable by yourself. Best decision ever. But actually, why the fuck not? There’s always going to be some new shit happening here or there and everyone is going to be running around figuring out something to do or something to buy or something to have sex with. Maybe even all three at once. If you don’t want to deal with that shit, then fucking don’t.

It’s not a crime to be satisfied without taking advantage of every damn opportunity. Fuck, being unambitious can often mean that you’re not a complete asshole to people. So what if other people are always getting on your case about rainbows that you could be chasing? If they want to, they can go do that while you chill out on the couch. It’s one thing if you want to go running around doing all the shit, but if you don’t, then fuck all that. Tell people giving you shit that you want to take a time out and do your own thing.

If there’s an opportunity now, there will be some rando one later, and even if it’s not the same, or it’s somehow not as sparkly, you will still be able to find one and do it at a time when you fucking want to. Better yet, after you’ve figured out your depression so that taking advantage of those opportunties actually means something to you and doesn’t just feel like a huge pile of dread-inducing responsibility and glitter.

It’s one thing to need to feed and clothe yourself, and it’s another to need to always be doing shit and becoming the best at everything. It should be fucking okay to just live life doing some stuff you like, some stuff you don’t, and earning or farming enough to keep you alive. If you’re spending all your time being overwhelmed by all the opportunities that you’re missing out on, then not only can you not do any of those things, you also aren’t coping with the basic, boring, but somewhat important responsibilities that are already demanding your attention. You know, like eating.

So fuck finding all the opportunities that are out there just waiting for you to seize them. You’ll get to it after you’ve handled the shit that’s right in front of you. And if you do want to take advantage of opportunities, fucking go for it. And if you’ve missed like a thousand in the past, well who the fuck cares? Its not about the thousands that exist, but the ones that appeal to you and that you choose to take. If every moment there is an opportunity, then fuck let some of them go and forget about them. Seize the ones that you want to seize, and fuck all the rest.

So you know how people always say that we are all snowflakes. And then you watch a movie like Fight Club that is all like, “No you’re fucking not.” And then you don’t know what to think because you are not sure if you are a snowflake or something else, like a dirty dirty puddle. Well, that’s all besides the point, because whether you are unique or boring, no one really gives a fuck.

You might be thinking “No wait! I really am special! I could be a fireman if I really tried hard enough!” Well everyone could be firemen if they tried hard enough. They could also be ballerinas, cartoon animators, sciency thinkers, presidents, business people, or mathamagicians, among many other things. Also a savior. Everyone could, potentially, hypothetically, just possibly be that. And sometimes, some people are those things. But again, it doesn’t matter. Because no one cares about what you could be, they care about what you are, and whether what you are is useful to them.

What about all those special people who get all the awesome attention and praise and shit? People care about them! Fuck that. That is not because they are special. It is because they are special AND useful to those who praise them. And for anyone who society praises, there are thousands just like them living in anonymity. People with skills that go undiscovered, or skills that are undervalued. People who are even more deserving, but less interested in being recognized for it. And maybe you are one of those people, and if you just had the chance, you could be a fireman and a ballerina! You could be a fire-baller-ani-sci-presi-bus-amagician-avior!

Again, who the fuck cares what you could be? Or for those of you who are already being all the awesome things, who cares about that thing that makes you special other than the people who want to use you? You’re depressed, start with caring about who you are already are, and what you find useful to yourself before you go dancing in the land of rainbows, shooting stars, and magical dreams.

Even if you were truly “special,” and everyone praised you, and found what you can do useful, what would that mean to you? If you start out depressed, then obtaining your dreams of being special won’t do shit because, oh wait, you’re fucking depressed.  And if you are special and many people find you valuable, that’s nice and shit, but if you’re depressed then all of that really doesn’t mean anything to you.  And if you’re depressed and it doesn’t mean anything to you, then being special just means that you’re being used without any self-gain. And if you’re being used without any self-gain, it’s no fucking wonder why you are still so depressed.

So if you are special and you aren’t being recognized for it, or even if you are, then fucking welcome to the world. Being special means being useful a.k.a. being special means being used. Everyone could be used for something or the other. So everyone is special. Being special does not make you universally interesting, it does not make you unique. You are unique because no one else is you, and you are interesting to someone as long as you are interested in yourself. It’s not about being “special”. It’s about being special to people you find special, or even just being special to yourself. Fuck that just makes sense.

So remember how there are people being killed all over the place, and sick from really shitty diseases? And you know how you notice all of these bad things that no one else notices? And you know how when you remind people of this, they just shit on you for focusing on the negative, and for ignoring all the awesome kittens mentioned here. And how you then just sit there, ineffectual, and don’t go save any koalas or small orphans even though you know you could? Yeah, you know all that?

Congratulations you just realized that you’re a useless person! But it’s okay, so is most of the world.

Now, you may think that you’re the only one not helping to free pandas, and that everybody else is better than you because they’re always helping to free pandas. That’s bullshit. The majority of people are focused on their own shit, and their own problems, because sometimes those are a lot to deal with as it is, and because sometimes people are just selfish fuckers. If you’re useless, you’re not a horrible person, just a normal one. Sorry, that probably sucks for you.

On the other hand, maybe you think that no one else notices the poor, paunchy pandas but you, and that if only you weren’t so useless, you could go free all the pandas. That might be true, but so what? You could be saving debt ridden farmers, populations ruled by dictators, or cyber-bullied school children. There are a plethora of things you could be saving and helping and doing. And you should do that plethora of things so that you can use the word plethora all the time. Jokes. You can’t do any of that because you’re a useless person. Oh, and because it’s physically impossible.

Even if you are a useful person, you personally can’t fix all the worlds problems at once. That just doesn’t make fucking sense. Even if you work with other people it is likely that things will take time, or that it will be an ongoing struggle. If you want be a part of some rando struggle, kudos to you. If you don’t, kudos to you as well. Because either way, that’s fucking fine. Oh, and if you are a useful person, but are still depressed, then kudos to you for being so productive even as you die inside a little more each day. Seriously, that shit is hard.

Uselessness is not a fucking big deal. You may think: “But, what about all those awesome productive people being all awesome and productive.” But what about them? Those people have no connection to whether or not you choose to be productive. If you want to be useful, go the fuck ahead. You might want to deal with your depression as you go, but fuck, it’s your life, do whatever. The point is that if you don’t want to be productive, and need time to be useless, and focus on your depression, your wellbeing, your life and those who are in it, that’s cool too.

So be all the useless that you can be. Revel in the fact that you couldn’t save the world if you tried. The world is not your responsibility, you and the people in your life are. If you want to start being useful, focusing on what’s happening to you *cough* depression *cough* might be the best way to go. Or focusing on those who you want to be useful for, because the world doesn’t give a shit about you, but some people in it do.

So you know how people sometimes try to make you feel better by reminding you of everything good in the world, like candy, the laughter of small children, and kittens snuggling with balls of yarn? And then you’re all like, but candy makes you fat, small children are fucking annoying, and kittens, though adorable, are also food for giant hawks.  Well, you win that argument. The world is awful.

There are people being killed all over the place, and sick from really shitty diseases. Remember when the Rwandan Genocide happened? No? Well that fucking sucked and there’s more of that murder shit going on all the time. Then again, why the fuck is that your problem?  You probably have more immediate things to focus on. You’re all depressed and miserable and can’t get your life together because you’re overwhelmed with being all depressed and miserable. Or maybe you’re doing okay, but you’re not at peak productivity because you have to spend half your energy covering up how fucking miserable you are. You are not in a position to go fix the world, so why the fuck focus on all of its problems?

Why? Because it’s better than focusing on your own problems. It makes you deep instead of pathetic. Or it just distracts you from the awful all around you. That sweet surrender to the overwhelming sense that nothing you do really matters in the larger scheme of things is fun. And you get to avoid responsibility for your own life by drowning it out in the big sadness of the world.

Warning: that shit is pointless. Life is not about what matters in the larger scheme of things, a.k.a. the awful world where everything is awful. Life is about the bullshit happening to you and the people you know, and the things you care about, a.k.a. your awful life where everything is awful. You can go around being miserable about what is happening in the world, but don’t forget all of the misery right in front of you in your own life.

Furthermore, while it may be selfish to focus on your own problems, who the fuck cares? If being selfish means you deal with your own problems first, then everyone should be more fucking selfish. Because is there anything more annoying than some hypocritical crusader running around the world trying to save everyone when they don’t take care of themselves or those who are closest to them? Yeah, maybe this. But not much else.

So fuck the world. Let it go be awful on its own . You worried about all the world’s awful? Fuck that. You can get to it later. Procrastinate the fuck out of that shit.  Take care of your shit, take care of the people you are responsible for’s shit, and then get around to whatever fucking else is left. There is enough awful right in front of you without needing to seek out all of the other bullshit out there.

So you know when people tell you to think positive, and you’re all like “Of course! How did I not think of that!” And then you get better and live happily ever after. No you don’t because that doesn’t fucking happen and being told to think positive is kind of the most useless piece of advice ever.

And ultimately, why think positive anyway? So what if you are miserable and shit. Is there something so wrong with that? Why is there a need to be happier in the first place? If you truly accept who you are, and be yourself, and fulfill every cliche, then isn’t depression  just a part of that personal identity shit? And yeah if you want to change, go ahead and do some personal development. And if you don’t, being miserable should be okay. Why the fuck not?

Negativity is fucking useful. It means that when everyone else is getting excited over something stupid, you know that its stupid. Now should something being stupid mean that you shouldn’t get excited about it. Eh, maybe not. Still, it gives you magical critical thinking powers where you notice everything that is wrong when everyone else is focused on how fucking awesome everything and everyone is. You know that there are problems and that is useful, even if your being depressed means you have no interest in fixing them.

Also sometimes negativity makes you nicer, which is good if being nice is your kind of thing. It makes you notice all the shitty things about people, and while you judge them about it and think they’re stupid, you judge yourself more and think that you’re even more stupid so it’s easier to handle other people’s shit. Plus you don’t think you deserve any better, so you’re willing to put up with other people’s assholery all the more.

Not to mention that being depressed makes you an egalitarian because you hate everyone equally! Including yourself, so you’re not even a hypocrite! Which is a lot more than can be said for the asshole telling you to think positive before he goes off and whines to his dick buddies about some small insult.

So think negative. There’s nothing wrong with it. If you want to stay down in your hole, stay down in your hole. That’s your decision, and it doesn’t matter what some positive fucker says, you get to make your own fucking decisions. And if you want to change, then there’s a lot of bullshit out there dedicated to helping you do that to. And if you want to go back and forth, enjoying the natural up and down cycle of life, or some shit like that, do that too. Be as miserable as you want. Because your life is about you, and you choose what you want to do with it.

You know when you think that you don’t have the right to feel upset because your life is perfect and you’re good at this or that, and you have so much to be thankful for, and that just makes it all worse because it means you’re a whiny, self-absorbed, ungrateful little bitch. Yeah, you know that?

Fuck that shit. Life is hard no matter what circumstances you are in. You can be ridiculously blessed and that doesn’t change the fact that when people yell at you, you feel like shit. Or that when you stub your toe, your toe fucking hurts. Or on a larger scale, that when you are depressed, you are depressed and everything is fucked.

So what if you are an ungrateful, whiny little bitch? So are non-depressed people, even if they’re not aware of it. Hating on yourself for being an ungrateful whiny, little bitch is pointless. It doesn’t change what you are, and it makes you feel even more like shit. Feel free to go ahead and do it anyway though because sometimes its entertaining in a self-loathing sort of way.

Life is hard because when you’re alive bad things happen to you. Whether they are small or large, they happen, and when you’re depressed they are all you see. You forget the good things. You forget the fucking boring but neutral things. You remember when people hurt you, and when you hurt them. So guess what, you could live a fucking perfect life with absolutely no mistakes and still be depressed. Because depression blocks out the good stuff, or makes it seem trivial.

Good stuff and bad stuff should have equal weight. Rationally, they are both the same. Depression makes bad stuff weigh more. Fuck that. That doesn’t make sense. Life is hard because bad things happen, and nothing changes that. But not only bad things happen. And even if the good things are temporary, they are still good and they have equal weight.

So fuck it. Wallow in self-pity if you want to. You’ve earned the right to feel miserable by being alive and having bad things happen. And the good things can still have their fair weight. Because they happen too.