So you know how sometimes you want to keep your depression?
As in, you want to keep it. Not get rid of it.
If that’s the case, then do so. Since you want to.
And if you want to alleviate your symptoms, then do so. Since you want to.
Let it go little by little at your own pace… This is something you’ve lived with and grown to accept as part of yourself.
So keep it the way you choose, in whatever capacity is preferable to you .
(Note: with some ghost suggestions.)
So you know how you end up fighting yourself? And the conflict in your mind can drive you crazy? Er. Crazier.
Your mind has two hemispheres. Typically. When it’s difficult to make a decision, avoid sabotaging yourself, manage internal criticism, or other internal actions, it’s because you may be truly experiencing a conflict between parts of your mind.
Your depression plays you against yourself. It takes your most valuable assets, your intelligence, beauty, physical strength, various skill sets, admirable qualities, and finds a way to make that your downfall.
Part of your mind may convince you that critical thinking is the only skill that matters. That it’s worth staying miserable, in conflict with your other thoughts and feelings so that you can continue to maintain your ability to see the negative, or flaws in everything and everyone.
You can keep the critical thinking, and also manage its ability to convince you that nothing else is of value. Arguing back to defend the other parts of your mind and related skills, desires, or qualities, keeps you from forgetting the rest of yourself. Giving too much attention to your depression, can mean other parts of you remain underdeveloped or unexpressed, which can lead to self-anger and frustration.
So unite with yourself in order to tame your depression. Recognize that it is an important part of you, yet it is only one part. It’s good to remember the rest of you as well.
(Note: more ghost writing occurred!)
My ever-growing friend requested I share my adapted format haiku with you.
Alone as I am.
I watch the sunset.
Thinking of your smile.
Best wishes.
Denying past experiences or parts of yourself can be stagnant. A part of you keeps returning to those things because you haven’t accepted them. It is sad to say good bye to those things, because they were a part of you, and so you might want to keep them that way or want to avoid things changing. Those parts of you and experiences will have always been a part of you, and experienced.
Wanting to change yourself, does not mean denying yourself. Wanting to accept yourself, does not mean that you will want to keep everything the same. Wanting to accept yourself, and change, works.
(And for those who get the joke, it’s Berlioz. Everybody wants to be a cat…)
Quick one: depression is hypothermia. When you’re first warming up, the temperature difference can make it hurt. And then as it gets warmer, it evens out, and you feel better.
And this is my 100th post! Chronologically written. Published. So ignoring drafts. Yeah.
At any point, you could invest, and fix it. You have ideas and options. You have resources.
If you refrain from doing everything you can to handle your situation, that makes you irresponsible.
Progress is…
That’s not it though, because progress is not an illusion, it’s just that you keep letting your bar rise with each time you get better, you can’t just jump into everything after you’ve healed a tiny bit, you have to let yourself fully heal before you start stressing the wound, otherwise it will keep re-opening and you’ll end up having trouble again.
It is important that when you are doing better, you don’t let your expectations of yourself rise too much. Just because you have healed somewhat does not mean that you are cured, and that all of a sudden you can do everything you do when you are not depressed. If you try to do everything too quickly, then it makes sense that you will end up being overwhelmed and becoming depressed again. You have to make sure to set your base zero, and then gradually measure your progress from there.
So you know how sometimes when your “condition” takes a swing for the better or worse, that makes your interest in certain activities wax or wane. Depending on the activity that can be pretty convenient, or inconvenient. Addictions can get worse or better. And passions or hobbies can become more or less fascinating.
As the author of this blog I’ve been doing my best to maintain my voice despite the fact that my depression has overall been improving. It’s an in-between with me, since I found my behavior is pretty weird even when I’m not depressed. At one point I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and so there’s always the possibility that when I’m not depressed I’m something else. And yet, when I’m something else I feel about the same as when I’m just “myself.”
So then, where do you draw the line anyway? If I feel lazy, unproductive, and happy, am I demotivated, anhedonic, and yet not miserable? If I get agitated because I’m experiencing emotional duress due to external circumstances, is that mania? What about if I find a topic I really enjoy and spend all my time studying it for a while? If one clinician thinks that certain symptoms are a clear sign of a negative status, and another thinks they’re a clear sign of being “better,” what’s a mental health conditioner to do?
All I know is, that for a while now I’ve felt like I was bullshitting more than usual when writing this blog. I’ll re-read my posts and find them to be preachy, or self-righteous, or even more terrifying, I sound like a genuine motivational speaker. I love rainbows, and kittens, as much as the next depressive that hates on rainbows and kittens, but secretly can’t help every once in a while being struck by their delicate magnificence. And yet, that’s not really what this whole blog has been about for me, and I want to make sure I stay true to what I started out with.
Jokes. I’m just bored with this shit and need a break since I’m too social to get the posts right. Social means amazing. Right. Amazing.
So really not much has changed, because I’ll probably still write things every once in a while. And really, who cares about me anyway? This blog genuinely is meant to be random shit for readers to maybe get some of their own ideas from, so keeping me in the background has been pretty clean. But it’s my voice. And for now. I’ll be speaking a little more privately.
So you know how you’re a really boring person? And everything you do is average and unspectacular and completely the norm and just like everybody else and everyone is the same and no one has any individuality and there are no special people and snowflakes melt into puddles and communism. Question mark.
Average doesn’t exist. Since there are people above and below, there is no such thing as average. And this may suck, because there is a comfort in average. But luckily, there are so many things that people can be above or below at, different things, and that makes everybody unique and special. Because you care.
And that’s what makes it interesting. The calibration. The being better and worse. You’ve always got an advantage at something even if it’s just because you got a head start. Or a jump start. After all, babies are pretty stupid. Often it’s because you invested in that something. And other people chose to invest in something else. That’s fine.
If you have an issue with the something you chose, choose something else. If you’re concerned about the bottom of the pool, where no one can do anything, help the bottom pool find somethings. Help all the losers at the bottom bake pies that aren’t as delicious as yours, but are still better than nothing. Again, because you care.
We’re all exceptions to the norm. The norm is a myth. We’re all above and below in many realms. At many skills. In many ways. Or at least some realms, some skills, and some ways.
So we’re all the outlaws of averages. YUP.
(Note: with some suggestions from my ever-growing friend.)
So you know how depression makes you really skilled at seeing all the reasons why people suck and the world is awful? And slowly you strip away your social circle by person by person until you’re isolated and easy pickings for the internal misery shrikes to stab you into bite-sized pieces of pure self-loathing?
Depression is kind of like a friend that tells you all the reasons other people are mean, or critical, or disrespectful so that you are hurt and afraid of everyone except your good pal depression who makes you feel comfortable and safe. And while convincing you that only your buddy understands you, it slowly submerges you in an ice bath of internal criticism until you’re pretty much drowning in your lonely, dark numbness.
And maybe your misery does this as a slightly misguided means of protecting you. Your pal depression wants to isolate you from external threats, but slowly redefines who is “threatening” until it’s pretty much everyone else. Then it’s really more about you reconsidering whether you want to interact less with others and be safer from external criticism, yet torn apart by internal criticism.
Sometimes it also feels safer to be your own torturer. Because again, there’s a comfort in the known, so in this case, your familiar despair. Knowing that you’ve done the worst you can to yourself means there’s not much room for other people to come along and poke or pinch your feelings into pain oblivion. At a certain point, you may realize that your internal self-flagellation has gotten so intensely awful that there is no way anyone outside of yourself could hurt you that badly. After all, since you know yourself the best, you know your flaws, you know your weaknesses, and you know just what to say to yourself to cause the most hurt.
Which makes you wonder, whether it wouldn’t be a good idea to let other people in on your torment after all. At least water boarders get tired eventually, and have to pause between taking turns. Not to mention, if you take the time to parse through what people are saying to you, sometimes it turns out that it’s less critical than your depression led you to believe. That your good pal was actually pulling a lens of shadowy negativity over your eyes, or blacking out all neutral stuff before letting you hear it. Then again, sometimes it turns out people around you are actually treating you like shit. And figuring that out is a bitch… Truth.
So if you want to be all alone in the depths of your freezing cold, personal misery pool, do so. It makes sense to keep yourself safe. If you want to let other people join you in there, do that. And if you want to swim to the surface to look around, go for it. Or if you want to drain some of the water and sit in a misery bathtub, superb. No matter what, when you get all pruney, you can hop out, dry off with a warm fuzzy towel, and then dive back in. Or stay out for a while. That can happen too.
DepressionFTW 