So you know how you’ve tried everything to “cure” your depression? Yet all of the Mongolian throat singing, Alpaca farming, and math puzzles just haven’t seemed to work? And you’re getting more stressed and depressed in your hectic search for the perfect solution?

Feel free to quit looking for a bit. Remember that “taking a break” thing can be pretty important when you’re getting to that point where you want to give up all hope of ever figuring your depression out. If trying out everything in the world hasn’t helped, how about trying some tactical not trying?

Now, tactical not trying is not the same thing as regular not trying where you let the depression run amok and get its misery blah all over everything. The “tactical” part means that you intentionally take some time off to examine your depression, not that you give up entirely. It’s the difference between sitting on your couch because you couldn’t get yourself to do anything else, and sitting on your couch because you just really feel like sitting on the couch.

Sometimes the process of trying to deal with your depression can be so frenetic and intense that you kick up a storm of emotional tumult which obscures your progress. It’s good to take active steps to work on your depression, and it’s also good to give yourself some time to assess the results of your efforts. That way you can determine what’s been successful, what’s been less successul, and what you want to try next.

And it may be the case that you don’t really notice much change. Or that things have actually gotten worse. That’s okay. In fact, that’s really valuable to know. Getting a self-status update is worthwhile even if the results are negative, because it’s still information about your depression.

So take some time to sit back and get some perspective in between your cure searching efforts. It takes time and energy to determine the best ways to manage your depression, so give yourself time to rest as well.

So you know how the future is really fucking terrifying? And lots of bad stuff could be waiting around the corner? And you need to do a hundred billion things to prepare for it, but even then everything awful will happen?

The future doesn’t exist. When you prepare for it, you’re not doing it for the future, you’re doing it to make your present self feel better. Which, is absolutely fine, and in fact, often a smart idea.

It’s good to do your best to prepare for negative things. For one, you get to feel like you have complete control over your life, and that’s a nice feeling. The thing is: you don’t. All your best made plans to build castle moats could go to waste if a massive comet strikes the earth. Or the flood insurance you bought could be made useless if your house is taken down by a giant lava monster.

Still, it’s good to prepare anyway. Because that way you never have to feel like you should have done something, or that you were dumb for not preparing. No need for regrets. And after all, there are always things that you can prepare for in some capacity. If you’re afraid of earthquakes, come up with an evacuation plan. If you’re afraid of spiders, learn about their likes and dislikes in order to repel them. While you cannot have complete control over everything in your life, you can choose to take actions that allow you to be well-prepared regardless. And you can feel somewhat more assured in knowing that you’ve got a plan.

You can’t fix the future. You can’t do anything to it, because it doesn’t exist. But you can prepare your present self for anything that you fear you might face. If you’re worried about diabetes, you can change your diet. If you’re worried about being self-sufficient in your old age, you can save money or invest in other people. Just because you can’t control everything, or prepare for every future situation, that doesn’t mean that you can’t do your best to control what you can, and prepare for what you can.

So that imagined future is never going to happen. Still, as the present continues to flow onward, you can do your best to steer your life boat, and prepare it for any storms that you see approaching on the horizon.

So you know how it’s really cool when people are decisive? Like, when they make up their mind, do something, and then never look back? Meanwhile, you find that the choice between whole grain or white bread is overwhelming?

Decision making is hard when you’re trying to make thirty of them at once, as quickly as possible, and hating on yourself all the while. When you’re depressed, prioritizing becomes incredibly challenging because everything is weighing on you at the same time.

With decisions the goal is: take them one at a time, and take your time with each one. Yes, if it’s a matter of immediate survival, like escaping a burning building, take that one first, and take about 5 seconds. However, if you’ve got a bit more time on your hands, then think through the matter at hand, debate the pros and cons, and come to a reasoned conclusion. Then write it fucking down so you don’t forget that reasoning.

Because coming to the conclusion is only half the battle. The real fight starts right after the decision is made, when the self-doubt and what-ifs take hold. “What if that was the wrong choice? Why did I even do that in the first place? This other choice is a million times better, I should go do that. Man, I chose the wrong thing again, maybe I can still change it…” And so on and so forth.

The only thing different between a person who constantly changes their mind, and one who sticks with their original conviction, is whether a person does what they decided on. If you want to be decisive, then follow up on your decisions. Now, that requires dealing with the self-doubt, which can easily undermine all of your certainty. And then there’s that fear of regret, that you’ll make the wrong choice and never be able to fix it. If you want to avoid regret, you need to know why you’re making a decision, that way even if you doubt yourself in the future, you can trace back the logic.

So you can take your time coming up with that decision. And you can pay attention to the process of how you came to it. That way you can spend less time wondering why you made it later on. Have conviction before and you’ll have it after. Writing shit down doesn’t hurt either.

So you know how sometimes you are feeling better? And then you celebrate and have all the fun because you’re cured of your depression? But then some time later you feel your depression coming back and it’s even worse because you thought you were finally better?

Yeah. Bad news is you weren’t cured. Sorry. Good news is that what you felt when you were feeling better is a pretty good reminder that life can not suck. Actually, truly, really not suck. And that’s really important to know when the depression is back and trying to convince you that the world is an endless, eternal dark abyss.

The trick is: you really do need to remember those better moments in order to make long-term progress. You need to know what makes it worth resisting your depression. You need to make it clear to yourself that your depression is lying when it tells you that bad things weigh more than good things. You need to never forget that you have had times in your life when you felt that you were truly better.

Now, when you’ve had a good spell and then things take a turn for the worse, you might start to think “Well if everything goes to shit just when I think things are finally going well, then what’s the point?” The point is that just because sometimes your life is shit, that doesn’t mean that the good parts did not exist. Those memories and moments remain positive even if things get worse again later. It’s the depression that tells you that the good stuff is invalid. And it’s the depression that convinces you that you never really felt good, when in fact, you really fucking did. And the good stuff is worth the fight.

If you believe that you are cured, then you’ll probably feel bad if you start having trouble again. Rather than it being black or white, “cured” or “permanently fucked,” it’s useful to think of it as “healing” or “coping.” Healing from depression takes time and energy. Sometimes it’s all you can do just to cope. At times you will be doing better and at other times you will be doing worse. Sucks. Although, even when your ultimate goal is a nice stable grey, at least the blacks and whites can be interesting.

So you don’t need to worry if it turns out you’re not cured. The part of you that healed is still there. You just need to make more steps, keep track of each one, and don’t forget the ones you’ve taken. It’s not about being cured. It’s about remembering that you have healed in the past, can heal in the present, and will heal many more times in the future.

So you know how sometimes life is finally going your way? And all of a sudden everything has fallen into place and feels right? So of course this means that you feel incredibly guilty about your new found perfect life?

Hm. Well, if your guilt is still there then your life is definitely not perfect. Because guilt is a big blob consuming everything and then leaving a slimy trail of self-loathing in its wake. And beyond the guilt, there’s probably still plenty of things going wrong in your life. Even in your bliss, don’t forget about them!

Now why when you are at your best would you want to think about the negative things in your life? Isn’t the goal to heal your depression, and to not think about those things? Absolutely. Still, even when you’re not depressed, negative things do happen. And when these things happen, you need to think about them in order to deal with them. And when you think about them, you may feel upset about them. And when you feel upset about them, you may feel guilty because you have such a perfect life and yet here you are getting all upset about shit. So the point is: you get to think about negative things as much as you do or do not want to, even when things are going well.

You deserve to feel happy without any guilt. That gnawing guilt of yours is unfair. It is a holdover from your depression, and it should be put in its place. Meaning, recognized and then invalidated. And it is invalid. Because as was just mentioned, there are still things going wrong in your life. Maybe they are small things, like getting a paper cut. Maybe they are larger things, like getting a big paper cut. Maybe they are huge things, like getting a big paper cut and being stabbed at the same time. The thing is that no matter what’s going wrong, or how big or small it is, you do not have to feel guilty about being frustrated when it mars up your life. If you want to, okay then. It’s your decision.

Those imperfections are unfortunate side-effects of being alive. And responding to them with anger, or hurt, or sadness, or amusement, or however else you respond, is just how it goes.  No one has a perfect life, and there is nothing wrong with recognizing the flaws in your life, and wishing they weren’t there. Just because you don’t like certain things about your life, that doesn’t mean that you are not grateful for the good things that you have. It does not mean that you are taking it for granted.

So your life isn’t perfect. And it’s not likely to become perfect. There will be plenty of things that are wrong even when you are not depressed. That’s totally okay. And if you get angry or sad or whatever because of those things, then that’s totally okay as well.

So you know how you have dreams of being a  fire-baller-ani-sci-presi-bus-amagician-avior? But it’s so hard and you just don’t want to put that kind of effort in? And so therefore you are a lazy McLazerson who can never do anything?

Yeah… No… It’s not lazy to not try to do something ridiculously hard, it’s just normal.   People avoid doing ridiculously hard things all time time because they have other things they’d rather be doing. Why shoot for the stars when you could watch TV? And why go climb every mountain and ford every stream when you could sit on the couch and eat ice cream sundaes?

If you don’t want to do something because it takes a ton of work, then that’s fine. Since you’re depressed, you probably have a decent amount on your plate to start with, so even taking care of the day-to-day is pretty fucking great. And you should get to feel productive from checking anything off the list. Anything at all.

Chasing after the hard stuff or being all special is impressive and shit. It means you’re taking extra effort to get what you want out of life. Keyword: extra. Plenty of people take the easy way and live perfectly contented lives. The road that is more travelled by is better worn, and you can follow in the footsteps of those that preceded you.

Now, if you want to do better than just taking care of things, then that’s great. Go for it. The point is that you’re not lazy if you choose to just live your life and take care of your primary responsibilities. It’s okay to meet baseline expectations, and avoid holding yourself to ones that are unfairly high. By giving yourself credit for fulfilling your day-to-day responsibilities you can avoid that whole rationalization thing. There’s no need to explain or excuse your being content with putting in an average amount of work.

So go ahead and be a lazy McLazerson. If it means that you get to take care of your life and get through the survival stuff, then there’s nothing wrong with that. And if you want more after you’ve gotten the basic shit down, then that’s a bonus. You can grow your passion, energy, and drive to experiment and explore life as you get better at keeping your depression in check. Then you can unleash it on the world and go beyond the basic to achieve your larger goals.

So you know how the future is a bleak landscape of despair? And no matter what you do, nothing will change the fact that the world is an awful place? And how there’s no hope of anything ever improving, especially your depression?

Well it’s hopeless then. There’s nothing you can do to change anything.  So why not try changing everything?

If there’s nothing that can be done to improve your depression, what’s there to lose by trying every single method? Change your eating habits. Change your sleep schedule. Change your social tendencies. Change how you interact with people. Change your manner of speaking. Change your appearance. Change your life in whatever way you see fit, provided that it doesn’t result in harm to you or those around you.

See the thing is, depression makes you avoid change even as it takes away your hope of change. You don’t want to try to change because why make the effort if there’s no hope of success? But if there’s no hope of success, there is absolutely no reason not to try whatever you want. Why fear or avoid something that’s not going to happen?

Oh sure, it takes effort to change, and why put in that much effort? Well really, why not put in that much effort? There’s really nothing better to do with your energy than spend it on finding new ways to manage your depression. There’s really not much worth more than your mental health. And in terms of some sort of fear of failure, why have that at all? The worst you could do is confirm that it’s hopeless, which is where you’re starting from in the first place. If you stay at base zero, that’s fine too.

So if it’s always hopeless, and there’s no possibility of change, then there’s also need to have any fear of it. If there’s no way to improve, then what’s the harm in experimenting? It can’t be any more of a waste of time than sitting on the couch. And maybe just one of the things you try, or some arbitrary combination of several of them, will cause a slight change in the big blah of your depression. And even a slight change, is proof that change is possible, and that it is not quite as intimidating as your depression would have you believe.

So you know how sometimes your friends really suck? And even when they don’t mean to, they still manage to cause you pain? And how you don’t really feel like you can trust them, but sometimes you really wish that you could?

Well, yeah you can’t. Not all of them all the time anyway. Some friends are trustworthy, and some are funny, and some are really chill, and some are kind of angry, and some are a bit sad, and all of them are dynamic, mercurial human beings. There are people who are better at dealing with feelings, others who offer suggestions about concrete actions, and some who are assholes and just don’t give a fuck. Unfortunately, it is not always clear who is who, so you get to have fun trying to figure it out.

You may have a friend who is always there in a pinch. Who can ride in to save the day, and yet is busy climbing corporate ladders the rest of the time. You may have a friend who is too burdened by their own baggage to be of any significant help, and yet they are perfect for when you need to sit around and bitch at things. And you may have a friend that you trust with everything, and yet when it comes to your depression, you don’t think that they’d know how to handle it.

It’s all good. You can have friends of any sort. Mix and match. And you get to choose how you interact with each one of them when it comes to your mental health. If you don’t want to tell people stuff, that’s your prerogative. And if someone gets all upset that they didn’t know, then they’re being a whiny little bitch, and you have the right to tell them so. Though maybe don’t exercise it. It’s hard to let people know what’s going on, and not everyone handles the information well. You have to determine the friends that you think it would be helpful if they knew the truth, or that deserve to know because of the way you’ve acted around them.

And sometimes you’ll pick the wrong people. You’ll think someone is cool, and really they’re kind of a dick. Or you’ll think someone can keep their mouth shut, and really they have an irritating need to share what you say with tons of other people. Sometimes your friends will hurt you without meaning to because they do not know how to interact with you when you’re depressed. Sometimes they’ll even hurt you on purpose because they’re angry at you, and not realize that you are in a seriously bad state where you can’t handle petty conflicts. Still, there are also friends out there who may have experience with what you are going through. Friends who understand you, and are willing to listen to what you need. Friends who want to help and just need you to communicate the best way for them to do so.

So yeah some of your friends probably suck sometimes. Friendship is hard when you’re struggling with your own personal situation. Relationships that came naturally can become challenging, and interactions that you could cope with can become harmful. Still, friends can also be the thing that helps you keep going when you’re really starting to fall apart. They can help you out of your depression hole if you’re willing to let them in on what’s going on. Finding a friend that you can trust does take effort. Being able to rely on them when things are really taking a turn for the worse makes it worth it.

So you know how people always say “pull yourself together” or some bullshit like that? And that makes you feel awful because you’re at such a low that some jerk thinks he or she can give you really shitty advice? Because really what they mean is “I don’t know what to do, so I’m going to tell you to just fix it because I don’t want to deal with it.” And yet, instead of owning up to all this, they choose to blame you for everything and don’t bother trying to understand what you’re going through. Right, all of that.

The thing is that people who have gone through shitty stuff and come out okay are usually pretty sympathetic. They’ve learnt how rough life can be, and so they can understand when your life is rough. So if you run into some asshole giving you annoyingly unhelpful advice, then there’s typically two possibilities. One, they are being ignorant because they haven’t gone through very much and yet think they have the right to tell you how to handle it. Or two, they are currently going through or have gone through similarly awful shit and are blaming you for your own problems the same way they blame themselves for their own problems.

While the people who fit in category one are annoying, it is easier to brush them off by reminding yourself that they have no idea what they are talking about. It’s the second group of people that can do you real damage. For one, you might think they actually know their shit and therefore their critical opinions are valid. And for another, people come up with all sorts of intense solutions to their problems, and if you want a solution, you might just see sense in their methods even if they are not completely working out.

People who are fucked up can be just as self-loathing as you, and so when trying to help they end up criticizing you for things they do themselves. In reality, both them criticizing themselves and criticizing you is counter-productive. The blame and guilt thing does not productivity and healing make. Listening to those people isn’t too helpful in the long run. Emulating their actions even less so. Oh sure they may have found the perfect strategy for dealing with their misery, and may even be succeeding in life in spite of their ongoing depression. A warning: these quick fixes can have expiration dates, and also they may be specifically tailored to the person who created them.

If you want a strategy for coping, you’re probably best off if you make one for yourself. In which case, fuck pulling yourself together and dissect yourself instead. What are the things that make you feel fucked up? What are the things that make you feel somewhat okay? Who are the people that you actually want to be around? When are the times that you forget how miserable you are and just go with the flow? While these answers may be really fucking hard to find, they are out there, or more accurately, in there. Ask yourself the questions and see what you find out. Then use that information to find your own strategy for managing your depression, or even one for making it non-existant.

So pull yourself apart. Get a good idea of all your inner workings since you don’t really want to take in bullshit from the outside. If people who don’t know you give you advice that doesn’t fit right, figure out why it doesn’t fit right and then tailor it until it fits the way you want it to. And  as for those people who are struggling, there’s no need to resent them. They may not realize that their strategy doesn’t work for you, or that it may not even truly work for them. As for the ignorant people, ignore them. It’s what they’re there for. If you know yourself, then you’ll know for a fact that they know nothing about you. And you’ll have the knowledge to change in the ways that you think are best.