So you know how sometimes your friends really suck? And even when they don’t mean to, they still manage to cause you pain? And how you don’t really feel like you can trust them, but sometimes you really wish that you could?

Well, yeah you can’t. Not all of them all the time anyway. Some friends are trustworthy, and some are funny, and some are really chill, and some are kind of angry, and some are a bit sad, and all of them are dynamic, mercurial human beings. There are people who are better at dealing with feelings, others who offer suggestions about concrete actions, and some who are assholes and just don’t give a fuck. Unfortunately, it is not always clear who is who, so you get to have fun trying to figure it out.

You may have a friend who is always there in a pinch. Who can ride in to save the day, and yet is busy climbing corporate ladders the rest of the time. You may have a friend who is too burdened by their own baggage to be of any significant help, and yet they are perfect for when you need to sit around and bitch at things. And you may have a friend that you trust with everything, and yet when it comes to your depression, you don’t think that they’d know how to handle it.

It’s all good. You can have friends of any sort. Mix and match. And you get to choose how you interact with each one of them when it comes to your mental health. If you don’t want to tell people stuff, that’s your prerogative. And if someone gets all upset that they didn’t know, then they’re being a whiny little bitch, and you have the right to tell them so. Though maybe don’t exercise it. It’s hard to let people know what’s going on, and not everyone handles the information well. You have to determine the friends that you think it would be helpful if they knew the truth, or that deserve to know because of the way you’ve acted around them.

And sometimes you’ll pick the wrong people. You’ll think someone is cool, and really they’re kind of a dick. Or you’ll think someone can keep their mouth shut, and really they have an irritating need to share what you say with tons of other people. Sometimes your friends will hurt you without meaning to because they do not know how to interact with you when you’re depressed. Sometimes they’ll even hurt you on purpose because they’re angry at you, and not realize that you are in a seriously bad state where you can’t handle petty conflicts. Still, there are also friends out there who may have experience with what you are going through. Friends who understand you, and are willing to listen to what you need. Friends who want to help and just need you to communicate the best way for them to do so.

So yeah some of your friends probably suck sometimes. Friendship is hard when you’re struggling with your own personal situation. Relationships that came naturally can become challenging, and interactions that you could cope with can become harmful. Still, friends can also be the thing that helps you keep going when you’re really starting to fall apart. They can help you out of your depression hole if you’re willing to let them in on what’s going on. Finding a friend that you can trust does take effort. Being able to rely on them when things are really taking a turn for the worse makes it worth it.

So you know how people always say “pull yourself together” or some bullshit like that? And that makes you feel awful because you’re at such a low that some jerk thinks he or she can give you really shitty advice? Because really what they mean is “I don’t know what to do, so I’m going to tell you to just fix it because I don’t want to deal with it.” And yet, instead of owning up to all this, they choose to blame you for everything and don’t bother trying to understand what you’re going through. Right, all of that.

The thing is that people who have gone through shitty stuff and come out okay are usually pretty sympathetic. They’ve learnt how rough life can be, and so they can understand when your life is rough. So if you run into some asshole giving you annoyingly unhelpful advice, then there’s typically two possibilities. One, they are being ignorant because they haven’t gone through very much and yet think they have the right to tell you how to handle it. Or two, they are currently going through or have gone through similarly awful shit and are blaming you for your own problems the same way they blame themselves for their own problems.

While the people who fit in category one are annoying, it is easier to brush them off by reminding yourself that they have no idea what they are talking about. It’s the second group of people that can do you real damage. For one, you might think they actually know their shit and therefore their critical opinions are valid. And for another, people come up with all sorts of intense solutions to their problems, and if you want a solution, you might just see sense in their methods even if they are not completely working out.

People who are fucked up can be just as self-loathing as you, and so when trying to help they end up criticizing you for things they do themselves. In reality, both them criticizing themselves and criticizing you is counter-productive. The blame and guilt thing does not productivity and healing make. Listening to those people isn’t too helpful in the long run. Emulating their actions even less so. Oh sure they may have found the perfect strategy for dealing with their misery, and may even be succeeding in life in spite of their ongoing depression. A warning: these quick fixes can have expiration dates, and also they may be specifically tailored to the person who created them.

If you want a strategy for coping, you’re probably best off if you make one for yourself. In which case, fuck pulling yourself together and dissect yourself instead. What are the things that make you feel fucked up? What are the things that make you feel somewhat okay? Who are the people that you actually want to be around? When are the times that you forget how miserable you are and just go with the flow? While these answers may be really fucking hard to find, they are out there, or more accurately, in there. Ask yourself the questions and see what you find out. Then use that information to find your own strategy for managing your depression, or even one for making it non-existant.

So pull yourself apart. Get a good idea of all your inner workings since you don’t really want to take in bullshit from the outside. If people who don’t know you give you advice that doesn’t fit right, figure out why it doesn’t fit right and then tailor it until it fits the way you want it to. And  as for those people who are struggling, there’s no need to resent them. They may not realize that their strategy doesn’t work for you, or that it may not even truly work for them. As for the ignorant people, ignore them. It’s what they’re there for. If you know yourself, then you’ll know for a fact that they know nothing about you. And you’ll have the knowledge to change in the ways that you think are best.

So you know how everything you do is to avoid hitting bottom? Because bottom is a dark and scary place where you’re fucked forever? And finally when you do hit bottom, there’s nothing you can do when you’re stuck down in that hole?

Hm. Well first off, there’s really no such thing as hitting bottom. You can always dig yourself even lower than your lowest low. Sad yet comforting knowledge. Also, you could always be dead. Which, although it might seem appealing at times, has the unfortunate quality of meaning that you are not alive. When you are not alive, you can not do anything to get out of a “bottom”. Luckily, you are alive, so there are lots of things you can do, or at least try.

Hitting a low is actually quite convenient. Before then you’re usually flailing around, trying to cope with everything and lacking any real clue on what the fuck is happening to you. Once you hit a low, you know at least one thing: which way is down. You know that no matter what, the things that you have been doing have been not working out, so probably if you keep doing them, not so good stuff will continue to happen. Does this mean that you will stop? Eh, that’s unclear. It does mean that you will know at least one productive thing that you could do, meaning, that you could try to stop doing that thing that is dragging you ever lower.

And this is actually a big fucking deal. Because sometimes you really don’t know what is wrong until you’ve kept doing it long enough or often enough that something really shitty has happened. There are always a myriad of factors that could be causing you to be depressed. And sometimes you point to one as the main issue, a friend points to a different one, and your sibling just thinks you’re completely fucked. Gaining any clarity  on at least one evidently fucked up thing that you are doing can be pretty helpful.

Maybe it’s something really obvious and you should have known all along. Or maybe you kind of did know all along but ignored it, and now you’re forced to come face to face with the facts. No matter what, the point is that now you finally know without a doubt. The next question is: what do you want to do about it? And the thing is, you can do whatever you want. You can try eating possum at regular intervals, or intense jello diving, or consulting with a video game guru.  You can even do nothing. Just having more information about your depression is useful in and of itself. If you use that information to dig in a different direction, then that’s just extra.

So you can rest comfortably at the bottom of your misery pit. Sometimes you will end up down there and it will really suck. Still, you don’t have to feel so shitty about it because now you know just where that hole is and how far it goes. You know which way is down and which way is up. If you want to stay down there, you can. And if you want to try and find a way out, you can do that too.

So you know how it sucks to always eat the same kelp every night? And at the same time, it also really sucks when someone takes away your kelp and makes you eat plankton instead? So whether things stay the same or change, everything just sucks?

Consistency is really boring so you avoid routines. And at the same time when the things that you count on staying the same stop doing that, it throws everything out of whack. It’s a double bind really. Wanting everything to keep going in the same way, but not wanting anything to become so formal that it is predictable and rote. Because you feel special when you don’t live the way everyone else does. You feel different.

The thing is, sometimes a little bit of routine is what you need in order to get through all that shit that’s necessary for survival. Maybe you don’t want to eat at the same time every day, or brush your teeth every night. That’s cool if you don’t mind being malnourished or going to the dentist all the time. Still, in such cases, some amount of consistency will prevent other shitty things from happening. It is cool to be different from those boring people who do everything the same way. It is less cool to have your teeth rot or develop a vitamin B12 deficiency.

And for other stuff, doing the same thing again and again is what’s harmful. Whether it’s taking dangerous risks, chilling with intensely not so good people, or doing self-sabotagy behaviors, there’s shit where change would probably be for the best. And why aren’t those things just as boring as the routines that are actually in your best interest? It seems strange that the repetitive stuff that is bad for you is some how more interesting and fun than the repetitive stuff that is okay.

Really, this whole “need to be different” is just bullshit. Because you’re not being so different when you do negative shit. You’re being depressed and self-destructive. And when you avoid routines that actually benefit you, your “being different” means paying a price. Why not just find ways of being different that don’t fuck you up? Like working with pyrotechnics or making dragons out of used tin foil.

So go ahead and change things that are the same. Avoid the routines you think are boring. And at the same time, avoid the ones that are self-destructive too. Because they are both about as lame.

So you know how you have a ton of lobster farming, ivory carving, and fire-ballering that  you need to get done? And yet you can’t get yourself to do even the most basic task? Did you know that makes you an awful human being?

No wait. It makes you depressed. Which sucks and all, but is still a more sensible explanation for why it’s so difficult to do things that seem really straightforward. Yeah yeah, you’ve got important things that you’re letting slide. Who the fuck doesn’t? There are plenty of non-depressed people who ignore their responsibilities just because they are being assholes, so you’re in good company. Or not so good company as the case may be.

Now, you may still be an asshole, but you’re not one of those assholes. How do you know? Um. All the fucking guilt. If you feel like shit for not fulfilling your responsibilities, then you’re not a dick, you’re a depressed dick. And if you’re a depressed dick, then even if you want to set everything straight, it’s really fucking hard because you’re all miserable and shit.

Straight fact: you may not be able to do everything that you need to do right away. And this is an issue, because these are the things that you neeeeed to do. In which case, this is a definite, ask-for-help situation. If you can’t do something, then you can’t and that’s just how it is. It’s cool though, because unless you’re dead, there are still some things you can do. Like breathing! Or eating! Or sleeping! So many fun options are open to you. Maybe you need help to do even these types of things. Whatever. The only thing that matters is that they get done.

After you’ve mastered these exciting techniques, you may find that you can do other things too. Like speak words, or move body parts. Then you may be able to accomplish basic life functions and really, meeting even a minimal level of functionality is pretty cool. Sometimes you can even do quite well at things because you’ve found ways of managing your shit. And if so, it’s okay to feel accomplished by the things you do, no matter how basic they are. Especially because if you don’t give  yourself any credit, then your feelings of un-productivity just become fodder that your guilt can munch on.

So do anything that you can get yourself to do. It’s not about getting to everything right away. That may take time. Your baseline is doing absolutely nothing at all, so whatever you can get yourself to do is a good head start.

So you know how you could be doing your worky things, your socialness, your health stuff, your familiality, your braining, your sexy time, and really your entire life, much better than you currently are? And no matter how hard you try, you’re never living up to expectations or meeting goals?

That’s because it’s impossible. No literally, impossible. You will never hit that line where you get to feel successful because that line is never where you think it is. First, it’s right above your head, so you raise your arm to grab it. Then you realize it’s right beyond your finger tips, so you go get a chair. Then when you stand on tip-toe on top of the chair, it’s already on the ceiling. No matter what you do, that line of “success” will keep moving.

Your depression makes everything you accomplish feel like nothing, and also convinces you that if you can just do one more thing, all of a sudden you’ll finally feel complete. Really, you’re just fucked and you will never reach that line. What a joke. There’s always more opportunities that you are missing out on, or special things that you could become. Or maybe there are things you did perfectly in the past, and now you regret losing that. That line of “success” is set too far ahead of you or even already behind you, and is just so impossible to reach.

The good news is: fuck success. Your well-being isn’t determined by reaching some arbitrary definition of completion, it’s about putting as much distance as you can between you and the deep pit of your depression. Your baseline is not what you’re striving towards, it’s what you’ve come from. The lowest point in your life is where the bar is truly set, and your goal is to do even slightly better than that point.

And what if you don’t? What if you fall below the bar? The good news is: you can’t. If you get lower than the lowest part of your life, then the bar is set there. So no matter what, you are always doing at or better than that bar, your base zero. This may seem too easy. Or just unrealistic. And in some ways it is. Still, it’s way more rational than that arbitrary line of success. Your lowest low is something definite and clear that you can do your best to rise from. Your highest high on the other hand, well, who the fuck knows?

So fuck setting your baseline on the ceiling. Set it in that hole you dug the last time you were depressed. It’s easier to measure a baseline that actually exists. And that way when you are at your lowest is when you have everything to gain. You want to keep striving, and aiming for the sky? That’s great. Start by getting your feet on solid ground, and keep working from there.

So you know how people are always harping on you to be persistent? And how you think that too, yet still end up backing out of things when they get hard? Or how even when you push ahead and complete something, it doesn’t even matter because you’re too drained to care?

When the going gets tough, the tough quit. Fuck what people say about persistance. That’s all bullshit. In reality when someone is overwhelmed by something they don’t pluck up their courage and keep at it, they quit because they know nothing can be done right then.

No it’s good to stop doing something when it has begun to take over your life. If your depression has metastasized to the point where you are endlessly miserable, and if pushing on will mean that you become even more unhappy, then it won’t be worth all the effort once you’ve succeeded. Because really nothing is worth sacrificing that much of your well-being. And the more energy that you invest in something that you can no longer care about, the harder it is for you to objectively realize that you just don’t fucking like what you’re doing.

Now, just because you quit something, that does not mean that you can never come back to it.  It doesn’t even mean that you have to quit for very long. You can stop for 5 minutes, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, or whatever. Because even a short time where you aren’t doing the thing that is making you miserable can give you some perspective, so that when you choose to go back, it’s more manageable. Non-depressed people call this “taking a break.” It’s a strange concept, this allowing yourself to quit something temporarily without all the self-loathing. Still, it seems to work out.

There are some things that you might not be able to quit for very long. Responsibilities to people that need you. Activities that you are literally in the middle of and need to complete. Survival things like eating or sleeping. In these cases, you can take a time out to regroup, and then get back to it. Maybe there’s even someone who can tag team with you, which would give you a bit longer to sort things out. The point is that if these things are that important, then you really need to be able to keep doing them so a spectacular crash and burn is not an option. In such cases, quitting for a little while is a necessity so that you have the stamina to keep going in the long run.

So go ahead and stop doing things that are making you fucking miserable. Then later if you want or need to keep doing them, start doing them again. When you quit you aren’t giving up, you’re making a tactical decision about how to pursue the course of action that will best guarantee long-run productivity. Persistance does not mean that you do everything right away and never stop working. It means that even if you quit something, you come back to it later. So quit as much as you want, and then give yourself the time to figure out your next steps going forward.

So you know how people are really selfish and lie all the time? And how you are just as disgusting and ugly as everyone else even if you don’t want to admit it? And just when you think you’ve found someone different, they do something shitty that really disappoints you?

People suck. It’s true. There is no escaping it. The thing is, people do not only suck. They also do other things, like be awful or mean or cruel. And do even more things, like be boring or useless or apathetic. And do a bunch of other things like be neutral or silly or lazy. And then they do things like be funny or helpful or dumb. And to top it all off they do things like be happy or impatient or generous. In case you haven’t figured it out, people do a lot of shit.

It’s pretty difficult to do only one thing at a time.  You have to breathe, and blink, and salivate, and wiggle your intestines all at once. Similarly, people cannot really be only one thing at at a time. If you’re smart, you’re also dumb sometimes. If you’re honest, you’re also a liar sometimes. And if you’re selfish, you’re also selfless sometimes. Even if only by accident.

While it would be fun if people really were only one thing, and a lot easier to understand, people change into different things all the fucking time. The way they act in one situation is not the way they act in another. Who they are one year is not who they are in five years. Even if on the outside everything seems the same, as people live longer, random things happen to them and this has an impact even if it is difficult to notice.

It’s fine to be disappointed in people. Because yeah, they often let you down and do stupid shit that pisses you off. It’s also fine to be okay with people. Because they don’t do much of anything that bothers you and they’re pretty chill. It’s fine to actually like people. Because even though sometimes they may do things that are really shitty, sometimes they may also do things that are useful or nice. Since people are different at different times, it makes sense to feel differently about them at different times.

So yeah hate on the parts of people that you hate. They have flaws and that sucks and is really frustrating. And when they do things that you like, like on those parts of them too. Because people can be a lot of things all at once, which is confusing, yet comforting.

So you know how people are always telling you to fake things until they become real? And you’ve tried, but it never does become real? And so you’re just being a fakey faker and a hypocrite because you’re acting like something you’re not?

Fuck faking it till you make it. Just fake it forever. If acting like everything is cool means that you can operate in certain circumstances, then feel free to do that even as you struggle on the inside. That way at least you get to have the perks of some parts of your life being okay, as you figure out how to deal with the parts of your life that are definitively not. If you operate as though you are fine, and live parts of your life as though you are fine, and in certain circumstances, you function like a fine person, that can be useful when trying to survive.

Of course, you aren’t fine. You’re dying inside a little more each day. Still, it is fine to be fake if it means that you can get through the day to day routines that you need to get through. Doing that does not mean that you’re a hypocrite.  It does mean that you’re pretending to be something you are not right now, but then so what?

Now slowly your façade may become impossible to maintain. And eventually it may get to the point where you can’t pretend to be fine. That’s cool. Fake as much as you can, and then handle the rest. Go to the events you can deal with, speak with the people you can speak with, do the things you can do. And then you can deal with your depression as  you go. You don’t need to feel bad because you’re faking capabilities are diminishing. They’re not. It’s just that your depression is making things more difficult.

There is a point where your faking shit becomes a liability. When your depression has taken so much of you that you are having trouble coping, losing track of responsibilities, or just really becoming fucked up on the inside. At that point, fake what you can, take a break from what you can, and for the remainder, ask someone else. When you’re truly falling apart on the inside, and you can only fake so much or not at all really, then try some not faking with people you trust. Try honestly expressing that you need their help. Or try some not faking where you let yourself just rest without any expectations beyond managing the basic day-to-day challenges.

So fake it as long as you want to. There’s no reason to ever stop pretending, because even when a lot of shit is fucked up, some things are still fine. Those fine things can keep being fine, even if it means you’re faking it. Meanwhile, those things that are really falling to shit can also be dealt with. Acting like everything is okay may not always make everything okay. Yet sometimes it can mean that something is still doable even if it has become much harder. And when the time comes where you need to limit the faking in order to honestly deal with whatever you are going through, then that is fine as well.

So you know how people are always all “How am I supposed to know something is wrong if you don’t tell me?” And how you trying to explain to them your depression is like trying to explain to a whale why humans love land so much?  And how then you just feel like you’re a really fucked up person who everyone judges and never fully understands?

Communication is a fucking bitch. It sucks. It just fucking sucks. You’re caught in a bind because when you try to explain, everything comes out wrong and you sound defensive or like you’re making excuses. And when you don’t explain then no one knows what the fuck is going on with you or what they can do to help. Then you spend your time struggling to get your point across or lapse into silence and resolve yourself to being a stoic.

Here’s the thing: you need to communicate. Yes, you can go live by yourself and never talk to anyone ever again. So if that works for you, go for it. Still, if you do choose to stay near people because you want company, or have responsibilities, or just want to live in a populated area, then you have to be able to get across what you want or need. You can do it in writing. You can do it in words. You can do it mime. As long as you have a way of interacting with other people, you’re in the clear.

If you’re depressed, then at some point you will probably want to communicate that. People will not understand why you need to sleep so much, or eat so much, or be sad so much, or be angry so much, or be busy so much, or be emotionless so much, or shit like that. They will not realize that all the billions of excuses or explanations that you give for things are really you saying: “I’m depressed and I’m trying to cope with that.” Know what will make them realize? If you fucking tell them.

Telling someone that you are depressed does not mean that they will understand it. That part sucks. People will make assumptions, or deny your depression, or be an asshole, or just not know how to handle it. You get the excellent task of reminding them that, although they do not fully understand, what you are saying is the truth, and you are doing your best to explain it. Maybe you’ll choose to help them understand what you are going through. The Internet can help with that. And maybe you will just throw it out there and let them figure it out. No matter what, once people know what you are going through they will have a different perspective.

So forget people and move to the wilderness. You can test out your survival skills. Oh you want to stay near people? Then find methods of communication and interaction that you find mildly less uncomfortable than all of the others. Don’t want to talk about your depression? Then don’t. Do want people to know what you’re going through, but don’t want to explain? Then tell them and leave it at that. Want to be understood? Then invest in helping other people to learn more about depression. Even a little bit more understanding can mean a lot more patience for you.