This post is dedicated to my tallest fan. Here’s to you my ever-growing friend. Someday you’ll reach your dreams. Or you won’t. It’ll work out either way.

So you know how feelings are kind of the stupidest thing ever? Like disgusting little parasites crawling all over your awesome, rational logic board of a brain and sucking up your processing power? And all they do is make you feel silly and dumb? Yet you can’t seem to convince yourself to give them up. In fact part of you wants to plant them in the ground and watch them grow into feelings trees and bear lots of feelings fruits?

Metaphors… They get away from you. Emotions are stupid. But that’s really besides the point. Because emotions exist, and as much as they suck, they have power over you so you’d better figure out how the fuck to deal with them.

Especially anger. Anger is the wound that festers and gets infected. It might heal on its own. But that would require you to stop picking off the scabs, and given your penchant for inflicting pain on yourself, that’s just not going to happen. And actually it doesn’t need to. It’s okay if you want to keep the pain going, because it’s useful. It helps you control yourself, it gives you charismatic capabilities, it accentuates the high-lows, and it just makes everything so goddamned interesting.

Anger can be sexy. So brood on. Still, you know what isn’t sexy? Whiny, seething, resentment. When your anger shifts from being your power source to being a drain, you need to find a way to fix it. What does fixing it mean? Figure it the fuck out. Everyone has got their own methods. It’s probably best to avoid those that involve taking it out on other people since that just results in spirals of guilt and self-loathing, which is not so sexy. That being said, you come first. Always. If you find a productive means of dealing with your problems, then drink it dry.

And then there’s… affection. That most powerful and most irritating of all the emotions because once it starts growing it overtakes everything with its syrupy sweet bullshit. Fuck affection. It’s fucking annoying. It makes it so hard for you to just go about your business of being awesome all by yourself. Still, like anger, it doesn’t go anywhere unless you find a way to deal with it. And in the meantime it’s a powerful distraction. You need to deal with the affection. Whether that means investing in it, or continuously pruning it, something must be done.

So you get to be pissed about having feelings. They suck. And they should really just go fuck themselves. Still, they exist. Figure out what to do about it.

So you know how that whole “moderation” thing doesn’t really catch your fancy? And what you love is the sickeningly sweet roller coaster ride of the highest highs and lowest lows? And if you find yourself trending too far in one direction, or even worse, toward the center, you need to shoot off in a new direction?

It can be so dull and “normal” to be a consistent, responsible human being. The highs and lows of depression are addicting in their own way, just like gambling, drugs, and let’s not forget the biggest bitch of them all, sweet treats. Fuck sugar is way more delicious than the finest cut of any other white powder.

And the extremes don’t stop with your behavior. You can’t just like something, you need to saturate yourself with it down to your bones. You can’t just dislike something, you need to feel that firey rage inside against it. If someone praises you, you need to beat yourself down. If someone tries to crush you, you need to topple them.

There is no center, just the frenetic richer scale of your mind’s spastic rises and falls. The fun goes on, but so does the pain. Because even when you’re on the top of the cycle, you are  on a well-defined track and you’ll be heading down soon enough.  Oh yes the fun goes on. Still, eventually the ride is bound to give you vertigo, and then motion sickness, and then you even if you want to get off, everything will be spinning too fast for you to figure out how.

Stay on the ride as long as you want though. Some people want to die an extreme death, and if that’s for you, keep going for it. On the other hand, if you’ve come to realize that the reason you’re still swinging up and down is because you can no longer figure out how to stop, consider seeking out ways of re-finding your center. Balance. That fucking word that hippies and gurus are always going on about. It turns out it is important after all.

So bounce between your extremes. It’s fun. And know that when you want to stop, you’ll need to get your bearings, regain your balance, and hop off the ride.

So you know how perfection is disgusting? Like when you see one of those special people walking around, you just want to trip them into a pile of mud? And yet there’s some part of you that desperately wants to fix every single one of your flaws and become the dream human being that you’ve always wanted to be?

Since you’ve got depression critical-thinking powers, you know that everybody does have flaws. If you see a “perfect” person, you can just hone in on those tiny little imperfections. Those freckles, moles, irritating laughs, high-pitched voices, rage issues, infidelities, appetites, and other small sins. Then you don’t have to feel inadequate by comparison.

Oh wait. Except that you still do. Even after you’ve seen every single blemish of those “perfect” people, you still see yourself as coming up short. They are just so much “better” than you. Question is: better at what? Singing? Sciencing? Sexing? All of the above?

Then again, you’ve probably got one or two aces up your sleeve. Maybe you can sit on a couch for hours on end, while they get bored at around 2? Or maybe you’re so so so good at saying the wrong thing, to the point where you can get people to fuck you up? These are special skills that you, as a depressive, may be particularly well-versed in.

And that probably doesn’t do it for you. You’d probably rather have different skills that you were good at, and different flaws that are less obvious or obnoxious. Really who wouldn’t? Everyone is inadequate in some way. Everyone is lacking. Everyone is “imperfect.” And yet because everyone has so many flaws- because everyone is so damaged in different ways, there are no two people on the planet that are exactly alike.

So each person is the fucking best at being that person by the simple fact that there are no other competitors. It’s the chips in the paint, the frayed seams, the mismatched buttons, the differently sized sleeves, and the small stains that define us, and make us perfectly imperfect.

So you know how your problems really suck? And how all you really want to do is run away from them as fast as you can and as far as you can get? And that just makes you disgusted with yourself because you’re acting like such a whiny little bitch?

It’s okay to run away from your problems. No wait. Actually, that’s bullshit. It’s not okay to run away from your problems. But, it is going to happen anyway so you might as well own up to the fact that you’re doing it.

There’s a reason why facing your fears sucks so much. It’s because you’re literally, turning to face, meaning look at, the the things that disgust and terrify you the most in the world. And at first, you’re just not going to do it. Like, you’re going to find every single fucking reason in the world, not to do it.

You’ll mess around in other people’s lives. You’ll join every organization you can. You’ll get really angry about arbitrary things and rant about how their the source of everyone’s woes. You’ll think about how awful the world is. And finally, maybe, you’ll get around to realizing that all you have been doing is running around, avoiding looking at the things that really freak you out or piss you off.

At the end though, your running away will not change a thing. Because in life, if you run in a straight line, you just complete a lap and end up back where you started. Your problems don’t go anywhere unless you choose to deal with them, and running away, though at times a lot of fun, doesn’t actually solve anything.

So you can take off if you want to. Keep running in those circles, learning as you go yet not really making much progress with the whole depression part. Or you can stop, deal with the shit in your way, and then get access to a few new paths. Break out of those well-defined grooves and tracks that you’ve been running on, and start off in a new direction.

So you know how no matter how many times you seem to whack off the limbs your depression, it just keeps growing back? Like your misery is some sort of starfish on metaphorical steroids? Or an infection that resists all efforts to cure it?

It is important to deal with your day to day misery and find ways to push back on the blah. It is also important to all the while, search for the underlying causes of your misery and upon identifying them, determine ways to handle them as well.

Because depression tends to have root causes. Often there are obvious external contributing factors, like death, poverty, disease. But then there are the cases that so often don’t make any sense. People who are well-fed, well-loved, well-taken care of, and yet still so utterly miserable.

Thing is, misery doesn’t come from nowhere. So typically in those cases, an individual has internalized damage from past external stresses. Maybe you’re well-fed now, but grew up without any food and can’t forget that fear of hunger. Maybe you’re loved now, but there were times when people close to you hurt you and never apologized or took responsibility.

You may not know or remember the reason why you’re so damaged. Still, there is one, and if you can find it, and address it, then you increase the likelihood that you can consistently treat that misery disease of yours.

So find a root solution to your depression. Determine what originally caused the fear and mistrust that persist in your heart, and seek out ways to alleviate that pain. If you don’t know how, that’s okay. There are plenty of other miserable or formerly miserable people in the world who can tell you their gory stories. String together a couple of their narratives to find one that fits you, and you’re good to go.

So you know how you’re an awful, useless person? And you don’t deserve anything you get? And yet sometimes cool shit happens to you, and that’s really unfair because you suck and there are a lot of other people who don’t?

Then again, there are a lot of people who suck more than you, and yet even more cool shit happens to them. So what about all that?

While karma is fun in concept, if it is real, it sure takes a long time to work. Because there are plenty of people in the world who do really fucked up shit, and still get rewarded. Maybe they do get fucked up in a “later life”, but if the current you is not around to observe it, then cosmic justice doesn’t really mean squat.

And it is just as frustrating, and sad, that there are so many people who do awesome things and are not rewarded for their efforts. Whether someone does “good” or “bad” things seems to have no impact on whether or not “good” or “bad” things happen to them, which is a terrifying realization.

Still, our actions do matter. Even if you can not make the entire world a more just place,  you can be just in how you interact with others. You can reward those who you think deserve to be rewarded, and you can deny rewards to those you think have acted inappropriately. If you are rewarded for things that you do not believe you deserve, then you can pass those rewards on to other people who you do think deserve it. And at the same time, you can recognize that sometimes you have done enough to justify some good things happening to you.

So good things happen to bad people. Too bad. And bad things happen to good people. Sucks. You get to decide what good things you do for others. You don’t get to decide what good things happen to you. Accept them, or transfer them, it’s up to you.

So you know how sometimes you’ve fallen lower than your lowest low? Like, to the point where the distance between the bottom of your misery pit and the peak of your crowning moments is several light years long? Yeah outer space.

You’re lucky! You have the opportunity to 1) reset your base zero, 2) reset your starting point, and best of all, 3) rationalize like no fucking other.

Rationalizing is an art. It’s taking a shitty situation, and trying to find a way to explain it or reframe it, and therefore minimize its negative impact. Yeah sometimes you look stupid when you do it, but hey- if it works, then who gives a fuck?

And a fun way to rationalize at those truly, terribly, awful moments, is to think about the fact that you could have done things that are even worse. Hurt someone? You could have done that, and simultaneously genocided an entire ethnic group through a nuclear holocaust. Fucked up your relationships? At least you didn’t use psychic powers to erase those people from existence.

In addition to whatever you’re doing wrong, you could always be doing even more wrong things on top of that, so take some credit for the fact that there’s always more you could be doing worse. That being said, there’s a difference between rationalization to feel better, and rationalizing to avoid responsibility. Your rationalizations may help you feel less like shit. Still, they won’t be of much solace to other people who would much rather you owned up to your fuck ups. If you want to share your rationalizations with them, go right ahead, just don’t expect them to be too impressed.

So things can really get worse. There’s always something even more awful that you could be doing in addition to whatever it is that you are doing. Putting all this shit in perspective makes it more possible to recognize that there’s room for improvement, just as there is room for dis-improvement. And hopefully, it will help you realize that there are things you are doing right, even if you don’t realize it all the time.

So you know how people are all like “I’m here if you need me.” Or, “just let me know how I can help.” Or the old diddy, “I’ll always be there for you.” Yeah, what the fuck is that shit?

Because so many times people just say all that since they know it’s the “right” thing to say. And then the second you actually reveal to them the ugly blah muck of your depression, they hightail it the fuck away from you by making some shitty excuse or picking a fight over some idiotic pretense.

And then their whole supportive shtick actually hurts you. Because you may have even thought that you could count on them. You may have thought they were actually someone who you could rely on, and who would accept you despite your depression, misery, ugly parts etc. Their abandoning you just fulfills that your fear that if people see your “true self” a.k.a. see your depression, they will never care about you and you will be left by yourself. And that  would really suck because only having your depressed self for company would be pretty fucking dull.

If you’re afraid of being alone because of people not wanting to deal with your depression, don’t be. Because you’d be all alone even if your mental health was tops and you were the metaphorical coolest kid on the block. Everyone is alone inside their own head. Sure they may have the “voices” of people who they’ve met and interacted with – which can be positive and / or negative depending – but ultimately, it’s all you up there in that noggin.

Which is why although it is important to find people you actually can trust, it’s also just as important to learn how to trust yourself. To learn how not to treat yourself like shit. And of course, this is pretty difficult without some external reinforcement, so you may need to string together some of those unreliable assholes to make a coalition of support. Still, it won’t matter how many people have your back unless you internalize that reliability and find a way to be a friend to yourself.

So you are always going to be alone in some sense. And that is actually okay. It’s just how it is. The goal is not to avoid being alone, since you can’t escape the facts. Rather, it is to find a way of being okay with the you inside your head. Will that mean you need to find people outside who will help you grow the healthy internal you? Yeah. Will you run into some unreliable shits along the way? Yeah. Is it worth it for you to keep going? It is if you want your brain roommate to be a pal rather than the jerk who eats the food you leave labeled in the fridge.

So you know how sometimes you’ve tried all the things, and still ended up right back at the starting line? And you’re trying to win your little life race, but it seems like the course is all uphill, and so frozen over that you just keep on sliding down to the bottom? And how even when you finally manage to make some progress, you look around and realize that you’ve just been running in circles?

Thing is, running in circles is pretty helpful when you’re racing on a track. If you end up back where you started, good job, you’ve got another lap under your belt. Was that lap so different from the one before it? Probably not. Do you feel like you’ve made a ton of progress in completing it? That’s hard to say.

What you can say is that every time you run a lap, your count goes up. You use more energy, you get more tired, and you also learn more, and get stronger. You get a better feel for the circuit, and can even find places where the path diverges.

Running in circles is just how life works.  Go somewhere and return. Wake up and go to sleep. Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall. Or something. Routines are a series of cycles. And sometimes that’s comforting. Because you know what comes next. And sometimes that’s damaging. Because your cycles involve self-destructive patterns of behavior. And sometimes, it’s just plain fucking boring.

Circles are great and all. Still, sometimes you want new circles or different circles. You want to break out of one track, and start running on another. That’s cool. Whether you run laps on one track or another, you’re still racking up the count, and growing all the while.

So complete those circuits, and circle up as many times as you like. Running in circles does not mean that you’re not making progress. As you finish each lap, you get a clearer perspective on the course. And if you want to change the course, well okay. Find a new circle, and keep going.

So you know how you do your best to fit in the spaces left between other people? How you don’t want to define yourself through stupid labels? Or how you want to be able to respond to those around you and not be one of those rigid assholes always trying to have everything their way? Basically, you know how you’ve sacrificed having an identity for the convenience of being flexible?

Sounds good. Keep going with that. But don’t be surprised when it fucking sucks.

Because being adaptable is a very useful skill, and yet, if you refuse to define yourself, you’ll be left confused and unfulfilled. Bending over backwards wears on the body, and you get worn out constantly molding yourself to fit other people’s needs without caring about your own.

If you’re alive, a certain amount of selfishness is a guarantee. You’ve gotta take care of feeding yourself, sheltering yourself, and sleeping yourself among other things. And beyond the basics, there’s getting yourself some sense of safety, respect, and possibly, just maybe, some affection. You may wish that you could be a completely selfless person all the time. Or that you could martyr yourself away until there’s no you left, only an amazing human accessory bent on fulfilling the needs of others. Still, these facts can not be flexed out of.

Never fear. You don’t need to give up that adaptability of yours. And it doesn’t make you weak or dumb to be accommodating. It’s a valuable skill to be able to adapt and reform yourself to fit your circumstances, and it’s one worth keeping. It’s also worth having the capability to be firm. In addition to being able to readily conform, you can also have the ability to resist when you see fit. That way you can push back on harmful influences, or let them into yourself, and then cast them away later.

So feel free to flex up to a point. And when you reach that place where you want to push back, that’s okay as well. Defining yourself does not mean giving up your flexibility. It means being able to harden and soften at will, and decide for yourself when to adapt to what’s around you and when to make what’s around you adapt.