So you know how you’ve got like tons and tons of things and options and people and stuff in your life that you should feel really grateful for? And yet sometimes, the giving thanks seems a little out of reach what with the misery, guilt, and general depression blah obscuring most other emotions? Leaving you with that oh so eternal question… Fake it?

Yes. “Fake it”. Or you know, “pretend.” Or be “insincere.” And all those other things that mean fuck it and lie to express an emotion that you may not be so sure you’re actually going through. This inauthenticity may make your inner hipster cringe, and may cause you to feel you are losing sight of your “youness.” In some cases, you have to wonder if those little ungracious parts of you need all that much preserving. Still, these are valid concerns.

And here are some valid reasons to not give a fuck about them. For one, gratitude is beautiful and unique much like people, except for the beautiful part. Meaning, if you want to find a way of expressing your only minimally sincere thanks in a manner that is distinctly you, that’s something, and fuck how other people react to it. Ha.

For another, people say shit they don’t mean all the time, and no one really fucking cares. It’s really annoying. If you don’t want to be one of those people who does that, cool don’t be. And yet, if you are having some gracious thoughts, and you’re just keeping them inside because you’re not sure about the “right” way to say it or you’re awkward or this or that, well then you’re being a whole other kind of annoying person that doesn’t say shit that they do mean.

But then, why bother with it at all? If you’re only feeling it a little, or really not at all, or you know it’s there glimmering somewhere in a dusty cobwebbed corner of your dark black soul and just hasn’t quite sparked into full force flames of exuberant appreciation… There was a point here. Hang on. Right. Gratitude is a currency. You can give it to people in exchange for stuff, and then that stuff has more value. And like how sometimes you may not understand why people value sock monkeys, or old movie tickets, or ancient Chinese pottery, or trading cards, or colorful silk scarves, or affection of all things, as long as you understand that people do value it, you can repay them for whatever.

So you can just let the moments where you think “ah some gratitude would be prime here” just slip by because you aren’t really feeling it. And also you can realize that the fact you noticed the moment at all is a sign that you’ve probably got some tiny warm embers stuck in your heart hearth after all. If you feel like expressing that, good for you. Regardless, it is pretty neat that by being appreciative of something, you can give it additional value. Also weird.

Oh and it’s Thanksgiving here in America. So… Yeah. That.

So you know how you’ve got a lot of options for stuff? Like jobs, eating, sexing, schooling, relationshiping, periodicling, arting, conquering, etc. etc.? And how this should make you super happy to be super blessed and like super excited about how many super opportunities you have access to?

Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. That’s not how it works. Having more options is miserable. It is anxiety producing, and fucking miserable. Because, then you have to make dun dun dun: decisions. And decisions, can be “wrong” and be “mistakes” and then you’re stupid and not perfect because you make “bad” decisions. Oh wait. Who gives a fuck? If you’re alive, you’re going to do some stupid shit and some less stupid shit. Then you’ll have to figure out how to deal with that. Such and such.

Sometimes you have a bunch of options, and you still manage to choose the shitty ones. Like the good ones are there, you know they’re there, and you still choose the shitty ones. Why? Well for one thing, when people get depressed we may prefer certainty over ambiguity and so the concrete knowledge of bad stuff more than the possibility of good stuff. If you know something is shitty, that is more comforting when compared to something that “might be” good, because it also might be the worst thing ever. Also sometimes people choose the shitty things, because we like fucking ourselves over… Yeah.

And the thing about many options, is that it means you don’t ever get to feel happy about the one you took. Because you’re busy comparing it to the ones you could have taken. And since you don’t know if those options were good or bad, because you didn’t take them, you can torture yourself by imagining that they were soooo much better than the one you did decide on. Maybe you’ll even decide to switch, and you’ll just keep switching, and always thinking that something out there is better than what you’ve got and if you could just grab it, then you’d finally feel like you’d made the “right choice.”

The way to handle this? Is to know that everything sucks. No really. Everything. Every option has its negatives, and that goes for the ones that you decide on. Still, the real sense of success, and the knowledge that you made the right choice comes from when you face troubles and triumph over them. And when you encounter the hitches and fuck ups, finding ways to manage them, grow from them, and get stronger because of them. Sticking with your decision, is something to be proud of in and of itself. Provided that it’s not fucking you up. If it’s fucking you up… Might want to reassess. Ha ha. Exceptions.

So while it may seem like it should be awesome to have tons of options: it’s not. Being afraid that there’s something better out there is pretty tormentous. Knowing that it might be true, and yet the choices you make are still the ones you made, and you’ll get something from that, is okay. Knowing that as long as you’re alive you can find ways to change course is okay. And knowing you took advantage of any opportunity at all, tried it out, and are figuring it out as you go, is okay and beyond.

So you know how “substances” come in all shapes and sizes? Like recreational, proscribed, everyday varieties, delicious things, and many other sorts? And being the miserable little depressive you are, some of these substances call out and beckon for you to use them?

Substances are your friends. And like your friends some of them are way fun, and fuck you up after you play with them, and other ones are less fun, and also fuck you up after you play with them. Then there are a few that make you feel better for a bit, before letting you down again. And on occasion, there’s a couple that help lift you up and support you as you get back on your feet so that you can kick your depression in the face. Then hug it because it deserves love too, despite being a whiny little bitch.

People like to put drugs in different categories. The biggest one being that whole “legal versus illegal” thing. Still, as we all know, drugs of any type have effects and “side effects” which are really just effects that people typically don’t like as much. At the end of the day, these categories are only so useful, because they are made by people who are not you, and do not necessarily understand everything about you and how you operate.

Your body, is yours. Your mind, is yours. And you are the one that will bear the consequences of whatever substances you decide to intake. It can be hit or miss when you’re trying to find a balance in managing your misery, and people try out different techniques. That is what that is.

Challenge is when people don’t observe the outcomes of their little experiments, or ignore the outcomes that don’t fit with what they want reality to be. If a substance works for a bit, and then stops, that’s good to know. If a substance works for a bit, but also causes blah, eyes bleeding, blah blah, internal hemorrhaging, blah blah blah, alien invasions and such, that’s also good to know. And if after a time, a substance just isn’t really doing that much for you anymore, yet you find yourself doing it anyway, that’s important to note as well.

So substances are wondrously diverse and magical! And you may try different ones in your soul searching quest for reduced miserability. That happens. Paying attention to how your interactions with said substances develop and the results of those interactions is a thing to do. So do it.

So you know how you’ve got all these awesome memories of when everything was fucked? And they just play on a loop on repeat inside your head, and even though you’d love to “let them go” as so many unhelpful assholes advise, you just can’t seem to stop the cycles?

Thing is, those little side reels of your worst moments are actually the biggest help when managing your depression. Because when we remember painful moments, they’re the perfect guide for figuring out what our hurt triggers are, how we can avoid them going forward, and sometimes how we can set them right in the past. Our memories can serve as a map of our pain, and help us retrace our steps to figure out the causes of our current misery.

It goes back to this whole “forgive and forget” thing. Why? Remembering the things that hurt us is fucking useful. Particularly if those things are patterns of behavior in other people. Maybe you can’t or don’t want to put in the effort to making people change their need to take shit out on you, which makes sense, and remembering who those people are and what bullshit they do makes even more sense.

Now, sometimes it seems pointless because the trauma is so far past, that really, what the fuck can you do about it now? Well that’s just the thing, if you were actually done with it, and if the pain was gone, would you be carrying it around in your records? Psst. The answer is no. When you have memories of painful experiences, and you still feel something when you think of it, shame, humiliation, fear, anger, you’ve got an open wound. And if you want to get that to a sense of neutrality, you’ll need to find a way to reframe and move forward.

Sometimes that reframe is just a matter of laughing at yourself. Because fuck it. It’s funny to watch your past self mess up. Not in a mean way. Just in a “Yeah, that was pretty awful, glad that’s over” way. And sometimes you’ve got something meta going on with that memory, and really you’re hung up on that bully trash talking you because you felt like you had no voice, not just the act itself. Then the reframe may need some action, like a present day assertion of your voice and being heard and something something something. Point is. You’ve got those memories for a reason. Figure out why, and you can address some of that calcified pain you’ve got saved up in those memory banks.

So yeah the bad memories are… bad. And they’re not necessarily going to get any better. Still, holding the frames up to the light and taking a good look at them can give you some clues on how to manage and possible mediate the misery. That’s something. It’s quite a lot actually.