So you know how you’re an awful, useless person? And you don’t deserve anything you get? And yet sometimes cool shit happens to you, and that’s really unfair because you suck and there are a lot of other people who don’t?

Then again, there are a lot of people who suck more than you, and yet even more cool shit happens to them. So what about all that?

While karma is fun in concept, if it is real, it sure takes a long time to work. Because there are plenty of people in the world who do really fucked up shit, and still get rewarded. Maybe they do get fucked up in a “later life”, but if the current you is not around to observe it, then cosmic justice doesn’t really mean squat.

And it is just as frustrating, and sad, that there are so many people who do awesome things and are not rewarded for their efforts. Whether someone does “good” or “bad” things seems to have no impact on whether or not “good” or “bad” things happen to them, which is a terrifying realization.

Still, our actions do matter. Even if you can not make the entire world a more just place,  you can be just in how you interact with others. You can reward those who you think deserve to be rewarded, and you can deny rewards to those you think have acted inappropriately. If you are rewarded for things that you do not believe you deserve, then you can pass those rewards on to other people who you do think deserve it. And at the same time, you can recognize that sometimes you have done enough to justify some good things happening to you.

So good things happen to bad people. Too bad. And bad things happen to good people. Sucks. You get to decide what good things you do for others. You don’t get to decide what good things happen to you. Accept them, or transfer them, it’s up to you.

So you know how sometimes you’ve fallen lower than your lowest low? Like, to the point where the distance between the bottom of your misery pit and the peak of your crowning moments is several light years long? Yeah outer space.

You’re lucky! You have the opportunity to 1) reset your base zero, 2) reset your starting point, and best of all, 3) rationalize like no fucking other.

Rationalizing is an art. It’s taking a shitty situation, and trying to find a way to explain it or reframe it, and therefore minimize its negative impact. Yeah sometimes you look stupid when you do it, but hey- if it works, then who gives a fuck?

And a fun way to rationalize at those truly, terribly, awful moments, is to think about the fact that you could have done things that are even worse. Hurt someone? You could have done that, and simultaneously genocided an entire ethnic group through a nuclear holocaust. Fucked up your relationships? At least you didn’t use psychic powers to erase those people from existence.

In addition to whatever you’re doing wrong, you could always be doing even more wrong things on top of that, so take some credit for the fact that there’s always more you could be doing worse. That being said, there’s a difference between rationalization to feel better, and rationalizing to avoid responsibility. Your rationalizations may help you feel less like shit. Still, they won’t be of much solace to other people who would much rather you owned up to your fuck ups. If you want to share your rationalizations with them, go right ahead, just don’t expect them to be too impressed.

So things can really get worse. There’s always something even more awful that you could be doing in addition to whatever it is that you are doing. Putting all this shit in perspective makes it more possible to recognize that there’s room for improvement, just as there is room for dis-improvement. And hopefully, it will help you realize that there are things you are doing right, even if you don’t realize it all the time.

So you know how people are all like “I’m here if you need me.” Or, “just let me know how I can help.” Or the old diddy, “I’ll always be there for you.” Yeah, what the fuck is that shit?

Because so many times people just say all that since they know it’s the “right” thing to say. And then the second you actually reveal to them the ugly blah muck of your depression, they hightail it the fuck away from you by making some shitty excuse or picking a fight over some idiotic pretense.

And then their whole supportive shtick actually hurts you. Because you may have even thought that you could count on them. You may have thought they were actually someone who you could rely on, and who would accept you despite your depression, misery, ugly parts etc. Their abandoning you just fulfills that your fear that if people see your “true self” a.k.a. see your depression, they will never care about you and you will be left by yourself. And that  would really suck because only having your depressed self for company would be pretty fucking dull.

If you’re afraid of being alone because of people not wanting to deal with your depression, don’t be. Because you’d be all alone even if your mental health was tops and you were the metaphorical coolest kid on the block. Everyone is alone inside their own head. Sure they may have the “voices” of people who they’ve met and interacted with – which can be positive and / or negative depending – but ultimately, it’s all you up there in that noggin.

Which is why although it is important to find people you actually can trust, it’s also just as important to learn how to trust yourself. To learn how not to treat yourself like shit. And of course, this is pretty difficult without some external reinforcement, so you may need to string together some of those unreliable assholes to make a coalition of support. Still, it won’t matter how many people have your back unless you internalize that reliability and find a way to be a friend to yourself.

So you are always going to be alone in some sense. And that is actually okay. It’s just how it is. The goal is not to avoid being alone, since you can’t escape the facts. Rather, it is to find a way of being okay with the you inside your head. Will that mean you need to find people outside who will help you grow the healthy internal you? Yeah. Will you run into some unreliable shits along the way? Yeah. Is it worth it for you to keep going? It is if you want your brain roommate to be a pal rather than the jerk who eats the food you leave labeled in the fridge.

So you know how sometimes you’ve tried all the things, and still ended up right back at the starting line? And you’re trying to win your little life race, but it seems like the course is all uphill, and so frozen over that you just keep on sliding down to the bottom? And how even when you finally manage to make some progress, you look around and realize that you’ve just been running in circles?

Thing is, running in circles is pretty helpful when you’re racing on a track. If you end up back where you started, good job, you’ve got another lap under your belt. Was that lap so different from the one before it? Probably not. Do you feel like you’ve made a ton of progress in completing it? That’s hard to say.

What you can say is that every time you run a lap, your count goes up. You use more energy, you get more tired, and you also learn more, and get stronger. You get a better feel for the circuit, and can even find places where the path diverges.

Running in circles is just how life works.  Go somewhere and return. Wake up and go to sleep. Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall. Or something. Routines are a series of cycles. And sometimes that’s comforting. Because you know what comes next. And sometimes that’s damaging. Because your cycles involve self-destructive patterns of behavior. And sometimes, it’s just plain fucking boring.

Circles are great and all. Still, sometimes you want new circles or different circles. You want to break out of one track, and start running on another. That’s cool. Whether you run laps on one track or another, you’re still racking up the count, and growing all the while.

So complete those circuits, and circle up as many times as you like. Running in circles does not mean that you’re not making progress. As you finish each lap, you get a clearer perspective on the course. And if you want to change the course, well okay. Find a new circle, and keep going.