So you know when sometimes you think that everyone else around you is screwed up, but you’re fine? And then you think that you’re screwed up, but everyone else around you is fine? And then you kind of don’t know what the fuck’s going on and all you want is for everyone, including you, to just be fine?

Bad news is that everyone is fucked up. Good news is that sometimes you’re not as fucked up as everyone else. Bad news again is, if the people around you are fucked up, and you’re not making any efforts to deal with that, or you are doing your best but those efforts are not succeeding, then you’re probably on the way to becoming more fucked up yourself.

While you chow down on that bad news sandwich, consider the term “co-dependent.” If you’re spending your time trying to help other people who so absorbed in their own shit that they can’t even see that you too have feelings, needs, troubles, thoughts, and a separate identity, then you’re sacrificing yourself. That’s noble and all if you’re doing it for some greater purpose. Thing is that if you’re doing it to achieve some goal, and that goal isn’t being achieved, then you might want to take another look at your methods.

Done with the sandwich? Good, back to the point. Being around damaged, hurt, or pained people can make you damaged, hurt, or pained. When you’re connected to others, you both send and receive thoughts, feelings, or just pure information. When the people you’re connected to are sending you negative information, it doesn’t matter what you’re sending back, you’re still going to receive that negative shit. It’s good to be connected to people, and it’s good that you’re trying to help other people by giving them healing messages. It’s not good if in the process you take in more and more of the other person’s hurtful messages, because this compromises you’re ability to resist the depression yourself.

If your goal is to get more depressed, then hey, good job. Keep on trucking. On the other hand, if your goal is to actually help the people around you who are struggling, you’d better work on finding a way to make sure that you don’t get more fucked up in the process. You will not be able to help anyone if you lose all feeling in your emotion limbs and are forced to amputate parts of your heart. Skipping the rainbow bullshit, you will not be able to fix anything if you’ve lost sight of what you were trying to fix and why you felt motivated to try and fix it.

So yeah, maybe you’re not the truly messed up one, and you’re just in bad company. Still, whether or not it’s you who has all the problems, or everyone else who has all the problems, you need to pay some attention to your shit. Because while you may or may not be the one with issues, or baggage, or significant damage, if you don’t find ways of keeping your shit straight, and keeping other people’s shit from becoming yours, then you’ll start racking up hit points like no other. Meaning, you’ll get fucked up, and be useless when it comes to helping anyone or anything at all.

So you know how since everyone is unique and different, that means that no one can ever truly understand another person? And how you’re just so complicated that it’s frustrating when people pretend to get you? And especially, when they think that means they get to tell you how to deal with shit?

There’s kind of nothing more irritating than you telling someone that you’re depressed and them coming back with some “well everyone feels that way sometimes” or “you’re not alone” bullshit. Fuck that. Why would knowing that other people feel fucked up about similar shit make you feel any less fucked up about your shit? Because then you get to be “normal” or something? Why would it make you feel good to know that feeling like shit is the norm?

That being said, don’t be surprised if someone out there does get what you’re going through. There are people who are good listeners, and will actually hear you out in order to understand you. There are people who are magical empathizers, and can just sit next to you and get it. And there are people who have had similar shit happen to them, and have been depressed. The thing about all of these people is that they don’t need to say shit like “hey man I get what you’re going through,” or “it happens to the best of us,” because they actually do get what you’re going through, and know that when people say that shit, it’s really annoying. These people don’t get everything. Still, they do agree with you on some shit, and that’s something.

Now you may not have run into those people. Or you may have met people who aren’t quite there yet, and kind of get how to be supportive, but it’s hit or miss. Still, even if someone gets a sloppy understanding of what you’re saying, that’s valuable because it means they will know what things they do that are unhelpful, and maybe even what is helpful. You may not want to put in the effort to try and be understood, or you may even get a kick out of people not being able to figure you out. And that’s fine. But then don’t be surprised when they say annoying shit and go around glowing, thinking they’ve helped the poor depressive see the light.

Understanding is hard to get, but once you got it, you get to keep it forever. It may slip your mind, and you may think you’ve forgotten it, but you never do. And similarly, when other people come to understand you, that never goes away. Once someone recognizes your perspective, they will never be able to completely ignore it again. They may try to block it out, and may even succeed in the short term. Still, they will be changed. And it’s worth trying to get people to get what you’re going through, because then they will learn to stop hurting you, and start helping. And they will take that knowledge with them as they interact with more people who are depressed or have had similar challenges.

So yeah it’s really tiring to try to understand people or to try to be understood. And most of the time it seems like you get nowhere, and it’s not worth the effort. Still, when you get through- when you get the message across, and finally are heard, it means that you’ve really had an impact. And knowing that you have the ability to shape your surroundings even a little bit, makes all that trying worthwhile. So whether you’re the one trying to misunderstand someone, or trying to be misunderstood yourself, just keep going.

So you know how you’ve tried the watermelon-only cleanse, taken up step-aerobic yoga, quit your job, cut off that friend who smells weird, signed up for cooking classes with your cat, started a new job, tried wearing a starfish on top of your head, spoken with a video game guru, and quit your new job? Yet somehow, nothing you do seems to help resolve your depression in the long term?

If the present seems to be perfect, first off, think again because it’s probably not, and second, recognize that maybe something in the past is still having an effect on you. It sucks to realize that you’re one of those people who can’t get over some dumb childhood trauma, or high school nightmare, but what sucks even more is not being able to figure out what the hell is causing your present day difficulties.

Everyone has things in their past that have had an adverse effect on them. Many people resolve those issues on the spot, by somehow expressing their anger, sadness, pain, or whatever else. However, sometimes people can’t express those negative emotions when they first occur. If you’re depressed, you could be someone who had something shitty happen at a time before you knew how to handle it, and how to channel your feelings in a way that would allow for healing to happen.

Maybe you were scared to deal with your feelings. Or maybe you even wanted to protect the person who was hurting you. Or maybe you always meant to address something, and then so much time passed that you feel like you should “let it go” or “just forget about it.”  Or maybe you think that you are a rock, not a person, and so you should not have any feelings to deal with. Or maybe you want to be stoic, and just keep that pain inside for the rest of eternity. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe…

Fuck all that. Who cares about why you were not able to deal with your shit in the past? The question is: how are you going to deal with it now? You may not be able to stop bad things that have already happened, but you can change them. Not through time travel. At least not yet. You can change the past by changing the present. Instead of being someone who cannot forget his or her time as a teen ugly duckling, find a way to address that remaining pain and become that self-aware swan you always dreamed of. And rather than becoming that maladjusted adult with a fucked up childhood, work to heal the hurt and be a redeemed wise-man who transcended a difficult youth.

So yeah you can’t actually change the past. That was a lie. For now… Still, by reframing your personal narrative you can change the impact your past has had on you. Find that past pain, and resolve it in the present. Then you’re life story doesn’t have to end in the early chapters. It can be a full book of angst and joy. Repression and release. Damnation and redemption. And kittens. Don’t forget the kittens.

So you know how people have done some really awful shit to you? Accidentally and/or intentionally. And how try as you might to just let it all go, in the end you’re still really fucking miserable about it? And no matter what, somehow you just can’t seem to forget?

Good. Don’t forget. People who have done bad shit to you might do it again, and it’s valuable to be able to remind them of the fact that they’ve pulled the same asshole stunts in the past. If nothing else, when you remember how a person caused you pain, you can better defend yourself against it in the future, by adjusting your expectations, or whatever other methods work.

That being said fuming and festering about your painful experiences is unhealthy. You end up holding in your anger and sadness to the detriment of your own well being. Or you end up exploding and causing hurt to yourself or others. Or so on and so on. Thing is: not forgiving really only hurts you. Because you’re stuck with the burden of your pain. So forgiving is probably a healthy thing to do. But hey, you’re depressed. So sometimes doing what’s healthy isn’t your forte. No matter what, whether or not you decide to work on forgiving someone is always entirely your choice.

That being said, fuck forgetting. “Trying to forget” something is impossible, because whenever you “try,” you just end up remembering it. Not to mention that when people tell you to “just forget about something,” It’s typically because they don’t respect you enough to see your perspective and understand why you’re experiencing pain in the first place. See how they feel the next time they’re pissed or hurt and you say “just let it go.”  No. If someone let you down- If someone hurt you- If someone made you angry- then they should take responsibility for that.

Now the world isn’t perfect. In fact it’s awful. So sometimes people won’t take responsibility. Maybe they are so involved in their own bullshit they can’t even see what they did. Maybe they don’t know how to take responsibility for anything. Maybe they try, but they really suck at it. Maybe you can’t even express to them what it was that fucked you up. Maybe they don’t even remember, which really fucking sucks. And maybe they’re dead, which sucks even more. Unfortunately, you cannot force another person to take responsibility for something. You can point out where they lapsed, and how they can make it up, but it’s they who decides whether or not to respond appropriately. And that too, fucking sucks.

So you can go ahead and remember how much that all sucks. You can go ahead and remember how irresponsible that person is. Or remember that you need to be careful around them. Or remember that you want to act a certain way in reaction.  You can use those memories to inspire change. Or you can just hold on to them as a reminder of how sometimes life is really hard. Point is, you don’t need to “just forget about it.” Respecting what you remember, and understanding the reason why, is all a part of respecting yourself.