So you know how you’re a disgusting waste of space? And you always fuck everything up no matter what it is or how simple? Then you sit there and wait for your punishment, but sometimes it fails to show up in the way that you’d hoped, so you take it upon yourself to find one that’s more fitting?

Good job. Go ahead and do that. Be the go-getter you were always meant to be.

It’s frustrating how people don’t get punished for the mistakes they make. Without punishment, how would we learn to avoid making similar mistakes in the future? If you touch a flame, you get burned, and then you don’t go around touching fire. Well, there are exceptions to every rule. Then again, if you find that you punish yourself and yet still end up making the same mistakes, then maybe you’re not doing it right?

The thing about determining an appropriate punishment is that every incident is truly different both in the reasons that led to it, and the impact that results from it. If you accidentally step on one person’s toe, he or she may simply laugh it off, while another may get their grump on. If you intentionally stomp on one person’s foot, he or she may try to get away before you hurt them further, while another may launch a vicious retaliation. There are natural reactions that occur as a result of your actions. And natural punishments too. So really, you don’t need to punish yourself at all. Still, there are times when you might think that life hasn’t doled out the right punishment. That it is too strong, or even too weak, and you need to take action to fix that.

If the punishment is too strong, you can end up taking the balance out on others. That’s why hurt happens. Because the overflow of pain needs to go somewhere and so it ends up splashing all over everything. Again, then you’ll want to recognize that while it may not have been your fault that you were punished too strongly, it is your responsibility to make amends for passing on the pain. Instead of being victimized, and then going on to victimize others, it’s worth turning the tables on whatever force punished you too strongly. Not by striking back, since that will just start more misery waves. Instead, by understanding why you were punished so strongly, and whether the pain inflicted was intentional or accidental or a force of nature.

Now, if the punishment is too weak, then maybe you’ll want to hurt yourself. You’ll physically or emotionally attack yourself to make up for the difference between how the world responded to your action, and how you think the world should have responded. Sometimes you’ll act in ways that jeopardize your well being, or cause other people to not get along with you. You may seek out people who will punish you, and even provoke them into doing so. Sometimes these people won’t want to hurt you, and as you transform them into monsters capable of causing pain, you’ll feel your punishment even more. Because you know that you have hurt another person by turning them into your personal torturer.

So if you want to punish yourself, go ahead and do it on your own. When you create monsters for the sake of hurting yourself, you fuck everyone else over too. Because that darkness that you helped to create in other people doesn’t go away, and it leads to the development of those cycles of hurt. It would be for the best if you search for a way to forgive yourself. Still, until the time comes that you’re ready to do so, avoid using other people as a tool for your self-flagellation.